L'enfer, c'est les autres

Regular readers will have noticed that I have not recently had a conversation with the CEO.

So have I.

If anyone sees a slightly mad, swearing, manic individual can they place let me know?

We need to talk.

CEO: HRD….come in…..sit.
HRD: How are you?
CEO: Depressed. I’m depressed.
HRD: ……..ah…..um……….I could tell you a joke?
CEO: Ohh please!
HRD: What’s ET short for?
CEO: I meant “please!” as in…..not “please” as in……
HRD: …………….because hes got small legs…….
CEO: Good God…..please tell me that’s not your best……
HRD: Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
CEO: Look can we get to the point?
HRD: Sure…..the mooovies…..geddit?
CEO: HRD!
HRD: Oops
CEO: So……ask?
HRD: Ask?
CEO: .....me. Ask me!
HRD: Why are you depressed?
CEO: That board meeting. They’re all….
HRD: Mad? Stupid?
CEO: …………….probably. I mean why the fuck won’t they say anything? I ask a question and……nothing! Nada! Rien!
HRD: ……………….
CEO: I mean for fucks sake its not as if I don’t tell them what I think enough. They should be able to tell me what I…um they….think. Shouldn’t they? Its not as if I don’t make it clear what the fucking answer is.
HRD: …..maybe……
CEO: ……yes?
HRD: ……is it just possible…….
CEO: …..what!
HRD: ….they don’t see the point?

***ring, ring, ring, ring***

** ring, ring**
CEO: HRD……?
HRD: Your dameliness……..
CEO: I’m just catching up on these email things…..
HRD: Mmhmm….
CEO: This one on the Union people. Talk.
HRD: Umm. So as I said. We negotiated, we failed to agree. Bit of an impasse. Not entirely sure I see a way through. They are adamant they are not shifting, I have nothing to offer them. So kind of stuck. I think we keep our heads down and hold tight.
CEO: Interesting……
HRD: So I thought I better let you know…..in case
CEO: HRD? I was thinking…..
HRD: Ohhh (falls head first into the pit of doom)
CEO: Have you considered….whisper whisper whisper
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: Hello? Are you there?
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: HRD????
HRD: …..yes…..CEO?
CEO: Yes?
HRD: That’s……that’s……a REALLY good idea…….
CEO: It is? Really? Oh! Right!...........So…anything else you need any help with?
**clunk**

The naughty boy is back, oh yes he is.

You may remember that we had a naughty situation that I wrote about before, which led to disciplinary action after a long and tortuous conversation with the CEO. Last week it was roosting time at the turkey ranch.

I get a call from the naughty boy he wants to see me “off the record”. Now one - my door is always open, but two - there is no such thing as off the record. Not with naughty boys.

He comes and sits and tells me that his position has become untenable, that he can’t see anyway back and…..that he wants to come to an amicable arrangement. He continues to make his case. At the end I ask him, “are you saying that you are going to resign and claim constructive dismissal?” he answers that he wants to part amicably.

Now the issue here is that we don’t really want the old duffer to go. He has value, he has a contribution to make. He has just been a very naughty boy. And we certainly don’t want to pay him to go….that’s just counter intuitive.

I go back and tell him we want to work with him to rectify his behaviours, to facilitate a good working relationship.

The email I receive over the weekend is something to behold. The demand is we agree to …..remove the warning and pay him £100k to leave, by midday……OR……he is going to make a few calls and look for a new job.

Pause. Read that again. Look for the flaw in the negotiation strategy……Find it?

Oh Buddha……..he copied in CEO…….

**ring, ring**
CEO: HRD, Hi. How are you? HRD: CEO......how are you.....?
CEO: Good, good. Did you see my email.
HRD: Email? One sec. Yep got it. About the car?
CEO: Yes, chap we made redundant. Wants to hold onto the car for a couple of months. I'd really like to. If thats ok?
HRD: Sure, ok. Thats cool.
CEO: ................Really? Oh........
HRD: Sure. I'll get someone to make the arrangements.
CEO: Thats.....wonderful. Thank you.
HRD: CEO?
CEO: Yes.
HRD: Can I ask you a question?
CEO: ...........yes
HRD: You sound strange, different, relaxed. Where are you?
CEO: I'm away. On holiday.
HRD: Ohhh....really?........and you phoned to ask my permission? OK well....enjoy your holiday CEO.
CEO: You too HRD, you too.
HRD: But I'm not.....
**clunk**

Its been an emotional week for a number of reasons - mostly good.  One of the things thats needed doing in amongst all of this is dealing with the situation I described here.  It was all going swimmingly.  And then this.....

I've been struggling over this situation and this post for the past ten days. 

A department manager (in his late 50s...necessary info for later) comes to me, he has been touting around a proposal for a new innovation to the board and he wants to talk through how he sees it working.  Essentially he wants the CEO and I to agree to take his team (of two including him) out of their current business unit and place them in a different one, so they can work on this project.  Its not a bad idea, but it doesn't warrant the +£250k overhead and doesn't account for the need we will need to backfill into the current business.

We meet, we talk, we say no.  He struggles with this.  He can't understand why we don't do it, he says that if we can't deliver this he thinks his team report (of one) will leave.  In fact, he says she has an offer from our major competitor.  Only this solution would retain her, we need to do it.  We say that whilst we want her to stay, we can't change the organisational structure for her and could they not work on the project along with their day jobs?  Or alternatively we have this vacancy which she would be great for...in another company.  He rebuffs us.

She resigns.  He again comes back and says that the only way we can save her is by giving the green light for the project.  Again we say no.  He comes back and says that she will take one of our major clients with her.....we need to start this project for him.  We ask what he is doing to mitigate the risk with the client?  He comes back and says that she will take two clients.  We ask what he is doing to mitigate the risk with the two clients and suggest what he needs to do.  He returns and says that she thinks our actions to mitigate the risks are aggressive.  He says that he cannot believe that we are doing this....letting her go.

His team member is in her early thirties.  He the manager is having an affair with her.  Now he has lost his lover (during work at least), his honour and our respect.  He may not be far from losing his job.  

Work is work.  Life is life.  Mixing the two is both wrong and dangerous.

CEO: HRD? C'est moi

CEO: HRD t'is I.  You know I've been doing these media interviews all morning?

So I try not to talk to much about my real place of work.  But this one is a blinder, please be welcomed to the sartrian world of TheHRD.  This is not for sympathy, but for laughs.....