** ring, ring**
CEO: HRD……?
HRD: Your dameliness……..
CEO: I’m just catching up on these email things…..
HRD: Mmhmm….
CEO: This one on the Union people. Talk.
HRD: Umm. So as I said. We negotiated, we failed to agree. Bit of an impasse. Not entirely sure I see a way through. They are adamant they are not shifting, I have nothing to offer them. So kind of stuck. I think we keep our heads down and hold tight.
CEO: Interesting……
HRD: So I thought I better let you know…..in case
CEO: HRD? I was thinking…..
HRD: Ohhh (falls head first into the pit of doom)
CEO: Have you considered….whisper whisper whisper
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: Hello? Are you there?
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: HRD????
HRD: …..yes…..CEO?
CEO: Yes?
HRD: That’s……that’s……a REALLY good idea…….
CEO: It is? Really? Oh! Right!...........So…anything else you need any help with?
**clunk**
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Keep Calm and Carry on
Its time to add some humour to the situation.
Americans...humour has a U because guess what? We all laugh at U! Geddit?
(watches as both of his regular readers leave).......
Ok, I'm not going to get into cultural debates on spelling that would be wrong. It would be wrong because.......well lets just say what is the name of the language? English? There you go. Debate over.
Shit, that wasn't the point of this entry. I am not anti American in anyway. In the slightest. I'm going to stop digging now.
I am dealing with a sexual harassment case. Its bad.....its really bad. In fact its criminal. The Police are coming tomorrow. It involves written correspondence which I have been reviewing this evening with a glass of wine. Thats not being flippant, its necessary to get through it.
I've dealt with a lot of shit in this arena over the years. More than anyone should have to.
I have been through three cases of alleged paedophelia.
I have dealt with four alleged rapes
I have dealt with numerous internet porn issues (including the first dismissal in the UK...I believe) and violent porn images
I can't count the number of sexual harassment cases I have dealt with. From innuendo to physical intimidation
And laughter is the coping strategy for dealing with this. Its not a funny subject don't get me wrong. I am not taking any of this lightly or suggesting that it is humourous in any shape or form.
But tonight I am going to laugh and make merry......tomorrow I'll deal with other people's nasty reality and I won't let it touch my beautiful dream.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Know this
There are times in your career when you are on the crest of a wave. When everything that you do is easy and lucid and structured.
There are other times when the reverse Midas touch prevails and everything you touch turns to s**t, crumples in your hand and the pieces blow into the wind.
There are times when your life is full of NNS.
Its what we do, its what we signed up for. No?
Every conversation this week has been tough. Every decision has been difficult. We are in the attritional hard yards.
The trick is chin up, focus on the horizon. Know that every inch you gain today is taking you closer to your goal.
Know that no-one is going to say thank you, but everyone will be grateful.
Know that you are right and the steps you are taking are solid and assured.
Friday, 12 June 2009
It's over......
I'm sorry to break it to you, but unfortunately I have been having some relationship issues.
It all came to a head yesterday in a pretty difficult conversation. And, I guess it turns out that maybe we are just incompatible after all.
Over time we’ve tried, we really have. Well, I’ve tried - I’m not being bitter it’s the truth!
It all came to a head yesterday in a pretty difficult conversation. And, I guess it turns out that maybe we are just incompatible after all.
Over time we’ve tried, we really have. Well, I’ve tried - I’m not being bitter it’s the truth!
But there are too many things that get in the way:
I believe in support and doing the right thing. She just niggles at the detail and picks at inaccuracies.
I believe rules are there to be broken. She thinks I am wayward and uncontrollable.
I make decisions and act on them. She thinks she should be consulted on everything.
I want to plan for the future. She just takes a day at a time.
So yesterday we sat down and poured out our hearts. She told me how she felt I told her how I felt. It was emotional but I think it’s for the best. I think we will still stay in touch, but friends? That’s a step too far.
Payroll and I? We were never going to make it.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
It's naughty time....
The naughty boy is back, oh yes he is.
You may remember that we had a naughty situation that I wrote about before, which led to disciplinary action after a long and tortuous conversation with the CEO. Last week it was roosting time at the turkey ranch.
I get a call from the naughty boy he wants to see me “off the record”. Now one - my door is always open, but two - there is no such thing as off the record. Not with naughty boys.
He comes and sits and tells me that his position has become untenable, that he can’t see anyway back and…..that he wants to come to an amicable arrangement. He continues to make his case. At the end I ask him, “are you saying that you are going to resign and claim constructive dismissal?” he answers that he wants to part amicably.
Now the issue here is that we don’t really want the old duffer to go. He has value, he has a contribution to make. He has just been a very naughty boy. And we certainly don’t want to pay him to go….that’s just counter intuitive.
I go back and tell him we want to work with him to rectify his behaviours, to facilitate a good working relationship.
The email I receive over the weekend is something to behold. The demand is we agree to …..remove the warning and pay him £100k to leave, by midday……OR……he is going to make a few calls and look for a new job.
Pause. Read that again. Look for the flaw in the negotiation strategy……Find it?
Oh Buddha……..he copied in CEO…….
You may remember that we had a naughty situation that I wrote about before, which led to disciplinary action after a long and tortuous conversation with the CEO. Last week it was roosting time at the turkey ranch.
I get a call from the naughty boy he wants to see me “off the record”. Now one - my door is always open, but two - there is no such thing as off the record. Not with naughty boys.
He comes and sits and tells me that his position has become untenable, that he can’t see anyway back and…..that he wants to come to an amicable arrangement. He continues to make his case. At the end I ask him, “are you saying that you are going to resign and claim constructive dismissal?” he answers that he wants to part amicably.
Now the issue here is that we don’t really want the old duffer to go. He has value, he has a contribution to make. He has just been a very naughty boy. And we certainly don’t want to pay him to go….that’s just counter intuitive.
I go back and tell him we want to work with him to rectify his behaviours, to facilitate a good working relationship.
The email I receive over the weekend is something to behold. The demand is we agree to …..remove the warning and pay him £100k to leave, by midday……OR……he is going to make a few calls and look for a new job.
Pause. Read that again. Look for the flaw in the negotiation strategy……Find it?
Oh Buddha……..he copied in CEO…….
Thursday, 4 June 2009
URGENT Recruitment breakthrough!
There have been a number of posts on HR blogs recently about recruitment techniques, recruitment technology and poor quality CVs.
Then I read this.
It appears we are all being duped and have no successful way of attracting, measuring or selecting.
So I am calling on all my fellow HR and business colleagues to stop what you are doing today and introduce sumo suit wrestling as the only reliable and flawless way of selecting….winner stays on!
Alternatives?
Then I read this.
It appears we are all being duped and have no successful way of attracting, measuring or selecting.
So I am calling on all my fellow HR and business colleagues to stop what you are doing today and introduce sumo suit wrestling as the only reliable and flawless way of selecting….winner stays on!
Alternatives?
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Wading through treacle
Let me be clear upfront. I hate recruitment. I hate people. Therefore I hate recruiting people. Actually that’s not entirely true, I love interviewing great people and bouncing around ideas when there is a spark, intelligence and a passion. I hate the crap that you have to go through to get there in the first place.
At the moment we are recruiting for my team. We have a mid-range HR Manager role, managing a small team and paying £50k (c.$83k) it’s a good company with good benefits, healthcare, pension, discounts, 25 days holiday, profit share. We should be recruiting good people. We put this on a well known HR recruitment website.
Foolishly I asked my PA to print me the CVs so that I can “test the calibre and see who’s out there”. My team have just come to check that I am ok as the laughter has been spilling out of my office. There are a number of observations to be made,
1) HR people are no better at CVs than the rest of the world, in fact they’re worse
2) There’s a lot of dross out there desperately trying to get a job
3) There’s a lot of financial services people out there desperately trying to get a job
Now on this last point, we are not an FS company, we are totally different. But ranting about your successes in HR at Lehman Bros that made a commercial difference……..You are the Weakest Link….Goodbye!
So despite the complete lack of professionalism, here are some of my favourites.
“With a strong track record of leveraging people and the organisation through making use of such tools as lean thinking/six sigma, change management, project management and building and maintaining relationships.” – And the ability to speak without breathing by the sounds of it
“A HR professional with a record of bringing a strong business focus and analytical thinking style to conceptualise and lead business-linked HR initiatives” – I was with you for the first half and then……
And then listed under key skills,
Typing speed 45wpm. Microsoft Office skills – This is an HR Manager role ffs
First HR nominee to receive 2 nominations for a staff star award – But did you get a Blue Peter badge?
Ability to work as part of an interview panel – Uhhhhhhhh yeah……
And finally my favourite,
“I play drums and sing backing vocals on a regular basis with a covers band – weddings, PTA parties and charity fund raising events” Words fail me…..
So does anyone out there need a job?
At the moment we are recruiting for my team. We have a mid-range HR Manager role, managing a small team and paying £50k (c.$83k) it’s a good company with good benefits, healthcare, pension, discounts, 25 days holiday, profit share. We should be recruiting good people. We put this on a well known HR recruitment website.
Foolishly I asked my PA to print me the CVs so that I can “test the calibre and see who’s out there”. My team have just come to check that I am ok as the laughter has been spilling out of my office. There are a number of observations to be made,
1) HR people are no better at CVs than the rest of the world, in fact they’re worse
2) There’s a lot of dross out there desperately trying to get a job
3) There’s a lot of financial services people out there desperately trying to get a job
Now on this last point, we are not an FS company, we are totally different. But ranting about your successes in HR at Lehman Bros that made a commercial difference……..You are the Weakest Link….Goodbye!
So despite the complete lack of professionalism, here are some of my favourites.
“With a strong track record of leveraging people and the organisation through making use of such tools as lean thinking/six sigma, change management, project management and building and maintaining relationships.” – And the ability to speak without breathing by the sounds of it
“A HR professional with a record of bringing a strong business focus and analytical thinking style to conceptualise and lead business-linked HR initiatives” – I was with you for the first half and then……
And then listed under key skills,
Typing speed 45wpm. Microsoft Office skills – This is an HR Manager role ffs
First HR nominee to receive 2 nominations for a staff star award – But did you get a Blue Peter badge?
Ability to work as part of an interview panel – Uhhhhhhhh yeah……
And finally my favourite,
“I play drums and sing backing vocals on a regular basis with a covers band – weddings, PTA parties and charity fund raising events” Words fail me…..
So does anyone out there need a job?
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