L'enfer, c'est les autres

It was March 2009 when I started this blog. I started for a number of reasons. Inspiration from a fellow blogger (although she falls in the uber blogger class not the pond life class like me!), the desire to write and express myself after many years of suffocation and frustration with some of the boring self-centred, timid, introverted nonsense that was written by and for HR people.

When I started out into the world of work it was just at the tail end of a recession. Jobs were tough to come by……very tough to come by. And the same old stories were being played out. In order to get the job you needed experience, but in order to get experience you needed………

I applied for hundreds of jobs…..HUNDREDS. Hours and hours spent completing application forms, tailoring my CV, taking visits to the post office. And each day I watched and waited as the post man came with a handful of letters, most of them rejections but on the odd occasion this would be interspersed with a letter telling me that they were no longer recruiting for the role at all!

Believe me, rejection is not something that you get used to. Rejection is not a pleasant feeling or experience. I kept all the letters. I still have the somewhere. I kind of figure that if these companies didn’t want to take a chance on me back then why the hell should I give them the use of my skills and services now?

To this day, I always take care when I am telling a candidate they haven’t been successful. I think about how it feels to receive that letter or that call. To be told that you are not wanted. You are not good enough. You do not have sufficient value. I ask you all to do the same.

Because rejection…..it sucks.

It's an HR nightmare.................

Imagine if the top 100 people within your organisation had their salaries and business expenses published. Then, imagine if they were published online.

If you work for the venerable BBC, the nightmare has just become a reality. You can now go online and see the salaries and detailed business expenses here.

I've had a dig around my colleagues in HR and believe me they better be HR ninjas for the amount some of them are on. I'm talking gold plated performance management systems and diamond encrusted talent management programmes......

But to be fair, they probably have their work cut out getting anyone to do anything just at the moment, other than surf the net and bitch about how much their bosses are earning.

And remember......they are doing it all out of public money!

We all know the HR thing, you know the one.......the "we're not taking seriously" thing. The "nobody loves us" thing. And before you click away, I'm not going down THAT path! As posted chez Laurie this week, I only have a finite time on the planet and I've wasted enough time on that debate already!

Instead I want to ask you about confidence. And more importantly when confidence becomes arrogance.

I am good at my job. This is a fact. I know this because of the feedback I get and because of the progress I make. One of the things that makes me good is confidence.

When I arrive at an organisation, walk into a room, meet with someone for the first time, I need to show them that I know my stuff, I know that I am good and I know that I can add value. I've learnt from working with several CEOs that if you are timid you are done for. If you hesitate, contradict, stumble, mumble, fumble.....you are not going to get their time, their attention or their backing.

But....and this is a big but (no sniggering at the back please).....I often get called arrogant. And not once or twice, but on a reoccurring basis throughout my life.

Now I don't think I'm arrogant. In fact in many, many circumstances and in a large part of my life I am critically lacking in confidence and self-belief. But clearly there is something in the way that I hold myself or behave that makes people think that I am arrogant.

So my question is, is there a difference between self confidence and arrogance and if so what is it? And in some professions, do you need to have greater levels of self confidence/arrogance to survive?

I am agog, I am aghast....no Marius is not in love at last. But the lunatics HAVE finally taken over the asylum........

Ask yourself this:

Refreshed from a week of walking and climbing (and drinking) in and around Hadrian's Wall, I should be in better spirit. But once again the dark powers of the evil twin Gods "Doom and Gloom" have conspired to make me want to take arms against the world and beat them to death with an over ripe pumpkin before shoving a plastic glow-in-the-dark skeleton, somewhere REALLY dark.

Let us be clear.

It is not Christmas. It is November. And only just November at that.

Therefore I do not want to return to an inbox of drinks and lunch invites (yep....still no PA).

I am not interested in Marvin the Magnificent and his Magical M*********ing Montage - available at improved rates - yep, no surprise there!

And as for "we need to communicate the Christmas working hours, so people can confirm their plans".......

Work. That's what their plan should be. Work and then stop. On 24th December.

Bah Humbug.......

Climbing hills.

Normal service will resume on 2 November.

Regular readers will have noticed that I have not recently had a conversation with the CEO.

So have I.

If anyone sees a slightly mad, swearing, manic individual can they place let me know?

We need to talk.

A long time ago, but not in a galaxy far far away, accepting the King's shilling signalled your willingness to serve in the army or navy. It was a commitment to do your duty. The press gangs used to use all sorts of nefarious tactics to get people to accept the King's shilling...including slipping it into a tankard of beer. The view being that when you finished your beer and looked at the shilling....you'd accepted it.....and hence why you can get tankards with a see-through base.

I mention this because I used this phrase yesterday with one of our Directors. To be honest, the guy is one intransigent fucker and in this specific scenario has been happily sitting on his hands for months rather than carrying out a piece of work that we need doing. Why? Because he doesn't agree with the request.

We've had the debate, we have heard the arguments and we have decided on our path. He doesn't agree so he is not doing what he needs to. His boss has had repeated exchanges and so I suggested I do the old Mystic Meg routine and "predict his future". We danced around the subject for a while before we got to the main issue. His view was that he was happy to "put forward the company's view". My response was "you are the company".

The practice was not illegal, or he could have used Whistle blowing legislation. It wasn't even grey. He just doesn't agree.

My view? No-one slipped this in your beer. You take the King's shilling you do your duty.

I’ve spoken before about gender stereotypes and work, but something happened this week that really gets my goat. I’m involved in a voluntary capacity at my local school, which is a village, state school for 5-12 year olds. The school is lucky enough to have two male teachers. I say lucky because I believe male teachers are hugely important role models for boys at this age and there are not enough of them in the profession.

One of the teachers is relatively new. It came out in conversation that the village witches had been gossiping about this guy and casting aspersions about his sexuality. Apparently it was their conclusion that he was gay. Unfortunately I wasn’t there when the conversation took place (or maybe fortunately), because I would have had one or two things to say about the matter.

What the hell does a teacher’s sexuality have to do with their ability to teach? If he was gay, does that really matter? But….perhaps….just perhaps the actual undertone here is something different....something more sinister?

Are these people having the same conversation about the women teachers? My outraged reaction was something along the lines of, “well that witch is fat and ugly and wears trousers all the time so she must be a dyke”. But are they wondering whether the nice Miss.Y from class 3 actually likes sleeping with corpses because she wears black a lot? Or Miss. Z who wears shorter skirts than most spends her weekends partaking in Romanesque orgies?

No, it’s because he is a man. And a man who “god forbid” is working in a predominantly female profession. Ergo sum he is gay and probably a kiddie fiddler to boot. The same conversations were murmured in the darkest recesses of the playground about the other male teacher, but he’s been around for a number of years now and since Special Branch haven’t swooped in and confiscated his computer, I guess he must be ok……?

Years ago I went for an interview with a major pharma. It was a long process and at the final stage, I waited a long time for feedback. The call from the head-hunter eventually came: “they really like you, you have all the skills and experience they are looking for, it’s just, well, they think you’re a bit…….gay…..” So I told them to go f***k themselves….up the arse. It doesn’t matter that I am married. That I have two kids. I’m a man, in a predominantly female profession. Therefore I MUST be a homosexual. And anyway, what if I was?

And it’s the same case for this guy. He has a girlfriend. I’ve met her. But I guess that counts for nothing to the school yard witches.

If you’re a man, in a woman’s world……well hell, there must be something wrong with you.

In our time I’m sure we have all come across our fair share of lunatics. Normally through job applications. You know the ones? The fantasists, the dreamers, the clinically insane….

Now I know that someone is probably going to call me for picking on the mentally unstable, but seeing as I have done the fat, the stupid, the ugly and women. I figure what is there to lose? Why alienate 99% of your readers when you can go for the big 100? Yes you. You know who you are.

I received this job application from Philip.

Philip was kind enough to apply for a job that I wasn’t advertising at a Company that I don’t work for. But I don’t think that should come between a potential employment relationship.

He is applying for the job because he thinks he would find it “easy and interesting”. So, you know, I’m kind of liking the guy by now.

His salary request for £300,000 per annum seemed a little steep, especially considering he could only work Monday to Wednesday. But his request for a £4,000,000 joining fee did start to raise some questions.

Fortunately he informs me that “the reports and results [he] produces are second to none”. So I’m starting to think that golden handshake might just be worth it….

There are a few gaps on the CV though, but Philip helpfully points out that he has recently been “helping various people overcome personal grief, and also with helping them with various problems and generally being sociable (WITHOUT REMUNERATION)”.

But just when I was about to pick up the phone, the bombshell. Philip informs me that “very fortunately indeed [he] has no ties with any of the companies that [he] has worked at”. He has, “never worked for the same company twice”. And “This will remain the case”.

You had me won over until there Philip. But company loyalty? It’s a must.

IDIOT: No offence.........but I need to talk to the organ grinder and not the monkey.

HRD: (After a pause and a pretend phone call). Right I've spoken to the organ grinder and......"no offence".....they think you only warrant the monkey.

Think of Britain and what do you see? Rolling fields, rain, warm beer, cricket. And how about postal boxes. The red ones. An archetypal image of Britain. A symbol of this sceptered isle.

There has been a mighty brouhaha in the UK HR community about this article which appeared in The Times on 5 October 2009 written by Sathnam Sanghera. Message boards and blogs are filled with arguments pro and con. These basically divide along two lines:

1) HR is a pointless function full of bureaucratic little dweebs who failed to make it into traffic warden school
2) HR is misunderstood by society and is more strategic than a strategic thing from strategy land….if it could only be taken seriously

I was approached by one of the main trade press to provide a rebuttal to Sanghera’s article and after considering it for a while, well if I’m honest, I struggled.

That’s not to say I agree with him whole heartedly, the article is poorly written, poorly argued and lacks any real substance other than Sanghera’s views. And seeing that his biog shows that on graduating from Cambridge University he went straight into journalism – his views don’t carry as much weight as many in my opinion.

But let’s face it; our profession IS probably one of the most neurotic professions in the world, constantly doubting and questioning its own worth and worrying about how it’s perceived. Like an abused partner that is constantly told they are worthless and meaningless, are we really surprised that we have some sense of neurosis?

And then this just gets worse as we start to harm ourselves. Read the blogs, look at the comments. Lets be self depreciating, because if we say we are pathetic then it won’t hurt so much when others tell us we are. Will it?

So we change how we look, alter our views and appearance, because maybe they’ll love me if I change? All a load of old tosh and a waste of time and energy.

Business Partner? My arse!

Let’s get some confidence, let’s get some swagger, let’s stop worrying and start performing. If people don’t take us seriously lets work to persuade them, to show them, to convince them. We have worth, we have value, we ARE lovable. And if they don’t understand…maybe that’s their problem and not ours. Maybe they have the issue.

If anyone is going to sound the death knell for Human Resources, it will be the profession itself and its lack of spine.

Sanghera has that much right, if nothing else.

I like to think I’m a bit of a new man. You know, in touch with my inner soft furnishings. I don’t just watch films about war and I’ve been to a musical. I can cook and get a lump in my throat watching Watership Down.

So much so, it seems that I could be mistaken for a woman.

This has happened to me once before when, in a bar in France, a lady who had consumed enough Pastis to intoxicate the entire Foreign Legion from behind a dune, tapped me on the shoulder and in a gravelly voice borne of smoking Gaulloises since the cradle, enquired, “mademoiselle?”.

That relationship never had a future……...

More recently it has happened in the blogosphere, which doesn’t really surprise me as a lot of HR people are women a lot of bloggers are women…so combine the two and Bob's your Auntie.

Anyway, it made me wonder this.

If we put aside the arguments about whether HR as a profession is any good or not for the moment and accept the stereotypes given to it (remember: we are as other people see us).

Is HR viewed as being un-commercial and ineffective because there are more women in it?

Or are women attracted to HR because its appeal is being less hard edged and commercial and more intuitive?

And is the only way to change the perceptions of HR to recruit more men and change its modus operandi?

I it just me or are we inundated in HR with idiot questions?

Sometimes it feel as if the whole of the organisation has some form of "business tourettes" brought on by being in the HR department.

"Can you tell me how much holiday I've taken?"

No, but I can tell you how much I've taken. Because I have a brain.

"I want to make a complaint against my manager, but I don't want them to know. Is that ok?"

Yeah.....I want to punch you but I don't want you to know. Close your eyes?

I'm thinking that we should have some sort of fining system going on. A 5% deduction in monthly earnings for every 5 minutes of my life that you waste. Or maybe bring back happy slapping or sumo wrestling?

Tell me I'm not alone....tell me this pain is shared?

My name is the HRD. I am a white, middle class male (I’m not middle aged, but fast approaching). I therefore am part of one of the most discriminated against groups in western society.

Eh?

No really.

It’s pretty simple. Consider this.

1) When it comes to health. Take two cancers. Both have about the same level of occurrence. Both have about the same mortality rate. The only difference? One occurs in women only. One in men. Surely it’s hard then to explain then why government investment in breast cancer far outstrips that of prostate cancer?

2) In affairs of the heart. My wife has an affair. She leaves me. Of course the weight of law is that she will gain custody of the children, the house and a large proportion of my salary for the forthcoming years. Is this because of my behaviour, because I am not as good a carer? Or because I am male.

3) In the workplace. I can’t be promoted or moved into positions of superiority because…well because I am a white middle class male. And that would be discriminatory to promote me. Lets find someone else, someone less…stereotypical.

4) At home, I need to be able to cook and clean, to raise the children, to express my emotions, to be in touch with myself. But come the moment when something really heavy needs lifting, when the electrics go kaput, when there is water coming through the ceiling. Who you gonna call?

My name is the HRD. I am a white middle class male.

Pity me?

Test, test, test. We don’t know what we’re doing so, I know, lets use some spurious test to give us some semblance of a measured process and then just come up with the conclusion we had in the first place.

I hate tests and I hate testing. Lets face it t he purveyors of these things are really the modern day Soothsayers. Selling predictions based on some old bunch of weed, the size of your arse and the direction of the prevailing wind.

And I know the challenge will come back, “when they are used properly they can be informative as an addition to other means of assessment” (God, did I really just write that?) but so can graphology. Not that I hear anyone chanting for that apart from the French and lets face it, they still have two hour lunch breaks, 6 months holiday and call everyone Mr and Mrs in the workplace.

I’m yet to be convinced there is any better means for recruitment or development than sitting down and having a conversation. Asking questions and listening. Talking, exploring and getting to know the person. Sure sometimes I will use a few scenario based questions to give the person something to discuss, but tests? Nope.

I have never taken MBTI, Belbin, FiroB etc.etc. Although I have worked in companies that used them regularly. Quite frankly I never understood the point. What was it going to tell me about myself that I didn’t know already? And if I didn’t know it, was I going to accept it because it was on a piece of paper?

I think not.