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Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Sanity is not a competency

In our time I’m sure we have all come across our fair share of lunatics. Normally through job applications. You know the ones? The fantasists, the dreamers, the clinically insane….

Now I know that someone is probably going to call me for picking on the mentally unstable, but seeing as I have done the fat, the stupid, the ugly and women. I figure what is there to lose? Why alienate 99% of your readers when you can go for the big 100? Yes you. You know who you are.

I received this job application from Philip.

Philip was kind enough to apply for a job that I wasn’t advertising at a Company that I don’t work for. But I don’t think that should come between a potential employment relationship.

He is applying for the job because he thinks he would find it “easy and interesting”. So, you know, I’m kind of liking the guy by now.

His salary request for £300,000 per annum seemed a little steep, especially considering he could only work Monday to Wednesday. But his request for a £4,000,000 joining fee did start to raise some questions.

Fortunately he informs me that “the reports and results [he] produces are second to none”. So I’m starting to think that golden handshake might just be worth it….

There are a few gaps on the CV though, but Philip helpfully points out that he has recently been “helping various people overcome personal grief, and also with helping them with various problems and generally being sociable (WITHOUT REMUNERATION)”.

But just when I was about to pick up the phone, the bombshell. Philip informs me that “very fortunately indeed [he] has no ties with any of the companies that [he] has worked at”. He has, “never worked for the same company twice”. And “This will remain the case”.

You had me won over until there Philip. But company loyalty? It’s a must.

6 comments:

teresahrgirl said...

Is it in pencil? I love it when the crazies write in pencil. I screams "I'm a NUTJOB" better than anything else

class-factotum said...

You might want to black out his surname on p2. This guy is crazy enough to sue.

PS It sounds as if he is not a native English speaker. I would like to know which country is hiring people like that for 300,00/yr because I want to move there.

Fernandomando said...

Such applications are always to be welcomed. Be warned, you might be missing out on an exceptional part time worker / director.

This man clearly knows what business is about- saving money on electricity too, and naming his terms for you. Sounds ideal. Also, he clearly has a sense of humour- a necessity in today's world. I say call him in for an interview.

Ministry of truth said...

Given you "have done the fat, the stupid, the ugly and women." and now the mad, when are you going to sally forth on the blacks and the gays? That should get you the 100% and maybe a spot on TalkSport

HRD said...

@Teresa - You so know the ones in pencil are going to be scary!
@Class-factotum - Thanks, I realised but was too lazy to go back. If he sues I'll claim insanity....
@Fernando - I'll send you across the details!
@Ministry of Truth - Special post for you today!

MattyMat said...

See if he'll take 295,000---