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Thursday, 23 April 2009

S**t hot career advice....

Ok so in the budget in the UK, the Government has announced another £1.7bn investment in JobCentreplus.  

For those of you outside the UK this is like a nationalised recruitment agency that is as effective as a chocolate fireguard...but if you don't go there, you don't get any state support....so actually more like state sponsored torture and apparently recently ruled out in Guantanamo as being inhumane.  

For those of you in the UK, its the Job Centre.....but plus!

And as its nearly Friday, it started me thinking, given carte blanche what career advice would you give?  Here are my top five:

1) Remain moderately incompetent.  Not too competent or you'll get promoted and ultimately fail.  Not too incompetent or you'll end up on a secondment to corporate procurement...the department where noone can here you scream.
2) Novelty ties are a really good look if you work in accounts.  If you work anywhere else and want to have any kind of sex life.....ever....they are not.  No means No.
3) If your colleague gets a promotion ahead of you.  Its ok, its done on merit...you shouldn't worry.  But to reward and congratulate them, don't forget to put chewing gum in their stapler, pour coke (cola) on their keyboard and spread vicious rumours about a penchant for dwarves, fists and marigolds.....(in combination)
4) When your boss says, "do you have any feedback for me?" they are being polite.  You are being literal.  Go for it.  They want it really.  Remember feedback is a gift.
5) Trainers are not there to make you better at your job.  Its about giving a job to a would-be television presenter who either doesn't have the balls or personality to make it.  Its like seeing a cute stray dog.....Pity them sure, but keep your distance and remember they are ultimately full of c**p.

 

1 comment:

humanresourcespufnstuf said...

Ah yes, moderately incompetent. It is truly the key to sucess for millions of workers.

I would add a correlary to your novelty ties, I'm not sure if you have this phenomenon in the U.K., but in the States every December we suffer through the Holidork sweater season. It also serves as a rather permanent prophylactic.