L'enfer, c'est les autres

www.myhellisotherpeople.com

2009-11-18T14:17:00.002Z

Time for a change

2009-11-14T12:04:00.003Z

It was March 2009 when I started this blog. I started for a number of reasons. Inspiration from a fellow blogger (although she falls in the uber blogger class not the pond life class like me!), the desire to write and express myself after many years of suffocation and frustration with some of the boring self-centred, timid, introverted nonsense that was written by and for HR people.

The last 8 months have been ridiculously hard for a number of reasons, none of which I need go into. Writing and being able to express myself (however inanely) has become more important to me than I would ever have imagined. The fact that there are people out there who want to read and comment on what I write surprises me every day.

A few weeks ago, as an early Christmas present for myself, I bought a new domain name. The idea was that I would steadily work on moving my blog over and launch it in the new year. I have been working on setting this up and although some of the technical changes have been harder than I thought, I had advice and support on the way.

Change, however, seems to be in the air at the moment. And this morning I decided to make the move to my new site earlier than planned. It's not quite ready yet, its a work in progress. But I hope you'll like it and I hope you'll join me there. And to those that helped me get here (and you know who you are) you have my eternal thanks and gratitude.

The HRD has move house to www.myhellisotherpeople.com

(This page will soon redirect automatically)

Rejection

2009-11-13T10:45:00.001Z

When I started out into the world of work it was just at the tail end of a recession. Jobs were tough to come by……very tough to come by. And the same old stories were being played out. In order to get the job you needed experience, but in order to get experience you needed………

I applied for hundreds of jobs…..HUNDREDS. Hours and hours spent completing application forms, tailoring my CV, taking visits to the post office. And each day I watched and waited as the post man came with a handful of letters, most of them rejections but on the odd occasion this would be interspersed with a letter telling me that they were no longer recruiting for the role at all!

Believe me, rejection is not something that you get used to. Rejection is not a pleasant feeling or experience. I kept all the letters. I still have the somewhere. I kind of figure that if these companies didn’t want to take a chance on me back then why the hell should I give them the use of my skills and services now?

To this day, I always take care when I am telling a candidate they haven’t been successful. I think about how it feels to receive that letter or that call. To be told that you are not wanted. You are not good enough. You do not have sufficient value. I ask you all to do the same.

Because rejection…..it sucks.

Show me the money

2009-11-12T14:53:00.004Z

It's an HR nightmare.................

Imagine if the top 100 people within your organisation had their salaries and business expenses published. Then, imagine if they were published online.

If you work for the venerable BBC, the nightmare has just become a reality. You can now go online and see the salaries and detailed business expenses here.

I've had a dig around my colleagues in HR and believe me they better be HR ninjas for the amount some of them are on. I'm talking gold plated performance management systems and diamond encrusted talent management programmes......

But to be fair, they probably have their work cut out getting anyone to do anything just at the moment, other than surf the net and bitch about how much their bosses are earning.

And remember......they are doing it all out of public money!

Tipping point

2009-11-10T08:02:00.005Z

We all know the HR thing, you know the one.......the "we're not taking seriously" thing. The "nobody loves us" thing. And before you click away, I'm not going down THAT path! As posted chez Laurie this week, I only have a finite time on the planet and I've wasted enough time on that debate already!

Instead I want to ask you about confidence. And more importantly when confidence becomes arrogance.

I am good at my job. This is a fact. I know this because of the feedback I get and because of the progress I make. One of the things that makes me good is confidence.

When I arrive at an organisation, walk into a room, meet with someone for the first time, I need to show them that I know my stuff, I know that I am good and I know that I can add value. I've learnt from working with several CEOs that if you are timid you are done for. If you hesitate, contradict, stumble, mumble, fumble.....you are not going to get their time, their attention or their backing.

But....and this is a big but (no sniggering at the back please).....I often get called arrogant. And not once or twice, but on a reoccurring basis throughout my life.

Now I don't think I'm arrogant. In fact in many, many circumstances and in a large part of my life I am critically lacking in confidence and self-belief. But clearly there is something in the way that I hold myself or behave that makes people think that I am arrogant.

So my question is, is there a difference between self confidence and arrogance and if so what is it? And in some professions, do you need to have greater levels of self confidence/arrogance to survive?

It's a cartoon....that's all

2009-11-08T09:51:00.005Z

I am agog, I am aghast....no Marius is not in love at last. But the lunatics HAVE finally taken over the asylum........

Imagine the scene.....it's Sunday morning and I'm sitting with a nice cup of coffee having just consumed some dead pig in bread, reading the papers....it's a scene of tranquility, of peace.

Then I come across the following headline,

"Safety Expert Wants Cartoon Violence Rating"

Cue much spluttering and spraying of aforementioned caffeinated liquids.

Its true. The world has well and truly gone mad. The "expert" in question is Dr. Karen Pfeffer a "senior lecturer at Lincoln University and an international mentor for the World Health Organisation". She will be publishing the full paper later this month entitled "Risk and injury portrayal in boys' and girls' favourite television programmes" so we can all look forward to reading the details in-depth.

In the meantime the report in The Observer this morning, the good Doctor has been watching kids programmes and is troubled by the lack of consequences to violence - particularly in the case of Scooby-Doo, Batman, X-men and Ben10, "The problem is that these characters engage in risky behaviours and experience great violence but the negative consequences of dangerous behaviour are usually not portrayed".

Ok. STOP. Is it me? Please tell me it isn't.......

Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner

Tom and Jerry

Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd

I don't remember seeing the negative consequences of an anvil being dropped on your head, or being blown up by your own home made bomb from the A.C.M.E corporation, or having your gun blocked and it blowing up in your face. In my memory, these guys, got up, dusted themselves down and started again.

But maybe time and wine has addled my memory?

It is bad enough that someone has done this piece of research in the first place (and I hope for every one's sake not a penny of public money was wasted on this nonsense) but I would hope that a sensible newspaper like The Observer would treat this with the disdain it merits....but no. They report, "her findings will reignite the debate about the effect of violent imagery on the young".

No it won't. It will raise the question as to why there are so many academics researching completely pointless topics of no benefit to the public, why we are vilifying the young and trying to sanitize their lives beyond belief and why we have forgotten the meaning of fun.

Its a cartoon......that's all.

A question

2009-11-04T10:48:00.005Z

Ask yourself this:

You are on your death bed with hours to live and your children/grandchildren come up to the side of the bed. The hold your hand and look into your eyes. They squeeze your hand and ask you, "How should we live our lives? What is the one most important thing you can tell us about how we should be what we should do?"

What would you tell them?

Now ask yourself this.......are you true to your own advice?

Bah humbug

2009-11-02T09:00:00.004Z

Refreshed from a week of walking and climbing (and drinking) in and around Hadrian's Wall, I should be in better spirit. But once again the dark powers of the evil twin Gods "Doom and Gloom" have conspired to make me want to take arms against the world and beat them to death with an over ripe pumpkin before shoving a plastic glow-in-the-dark skeleton, somewhere REALLY dark.

Let us be clear.

It is not Christmas. It is November. And only just November at that.

Therefore I do not want to return to an inbox of drinks and lunch invites (yep....still no PA).

I am not interested in Marvin the Magnificent and his Magical M*********ing Montage - available at improved rates - yep, no surprise there!

And as for "we need to communicate the Christmas working hours, so people can confirm their plans".......

Work. That's what their plan should be. Work and then stop. On 24th December.

Bah Humbug.......

The HRD is away

2009-10-26T18:06:00.000Z

Climbing hills.

Normal service will resume on 2 November.

Conversations with the CEO

2009-10-21T16:47:00.002+01:00

Regular readers will have noticed that I have not recently had a conversation with the CEO.

So have I.

If anyone sees a slightly mad, swearing, manic individual can they place let me know?

We need to talk.

The King's Shilling

2009-10-20T08:36:00.003+01:00

A long time ago, but not in a galaxy far far away, accepting the King's shilling signalled your willingness to serve in the army or navy. It was a commitment to do your duty. The press gangs used to use all sorts of nefarious tactics to get people to accept the King's shilling...including slipping it into a tankard of beer. The view being that when you finished your beer and looked at the shilling....you'd accepted it.....and hence why you can get tankards with a see-through base.

I mention this because I used this phrase yesterday with one of our Directors. To be honest, the guy is one intransigent fucker and in this specific scenario has been happily sitting on his hands for months rather than carrying out a piece of work that we need doing. Why? Because he doesn't agree with the request.

We've had the debate, we have heard the arguments and we have decided on our path. He doesn't agree so he is not doing what he needs to. His boss has had repeated exchanges and so I suggested I do the old Mystic Meg routine and "predict his future". We danced around the subject for a while before we got to the main issue. His view was that he was happy to "put forward the company's view". My response was "you are the company".

The practice was not illegal, or he could have used Whistle blowing legislation. It wasn't even grey. He just doesn't agree.

My view? No-one slipped this in your beer. You take the King's shilling you do your duty.

Gender Bender

2009-10-16T08:59:00.003+01:00

I’ve spoken before about gender stereotypes and work, but something happened this week that really gets my goat. I’m involved in a voluntary capacity at my local school, which is a village, state school for 5-12 year olds. The school is lucky enough to have two male teachers. I say lucky because I believe male teachers are hugely important role models for boys at this age and there are not enough of them in the profession.

One of the teachers is relatively new. It came out in conversation that the village witches had been gossiping about this guy and casting aspersions about his sexuality. Apparently it was their conclusion that he was gay. Unfortunately I wasn’t there when the conversation took place (or maybe fortunately), because I would have had one or two things to say about the matter.

What the hell does a teacher’s sexuality have to do with their ability to teach? If he was gay, does that really matter? But….perhaps….just perhaps the actual undertone here is something different....something more sinister?

Are these people having the same conversation about the women teachers? My outraged reaction was something along the lines of, “well that witch is fat and ugly and wears trousers all the time so she must be a dyke”. But are they wondering whether the nice Miss.Y from class 3 actually likes sleeping with corpses because she wears black a lot? Or Miss. Z who wears shorter skirts than most spends her weekends partaking in Romanesque orgies?

No, it’s because he is a man. And a man who “god forbid” is working in a predominantly female profession. Ergo sum he is gay and probably a kiddie fiddler to boot. The same conversations were murmured in the darkest recesses of the playground about the other male teacher, but he’s been around for a number of years now and since Special Branch haven’t swooped in and confiscated his computer, I guess he must be ok……?

Years ago I went for an interview with a major pharma. It was a long process and at the final stage, I waited a long time for feedback. The call from the head-hunter eventually came: “they really like you, you have all the skills and experience they are looking for, it’s just, well, they think you’re a bit…….gay…..” So I told them to go f***k themselves….up the arse. It doesn’t matter that I am married. That I have two kids. I’m a man, in a predominantly female profession. Therefore I MUST be a homosexual. And anyway, what if I was?

And it’s the same case for this guy. He has a girlfriend. I’ve met her. But I guess that counts for nothing to the school yard witches.

If you’re a man, in a woman’s world……well hell, there must be something wrong with you.

Sanity is not a competency

2009-10-14T13:28:00.003+01:00

In our time I’m sure we have all come across our fair share of lunatics. Normally through job applications. You know the ones? The fantasists, the dreamers, the clinically insane….

Now I know that someone is probably going to call me for picking on the mentally unstable, but seeing as I have done the fat, the stupid, the ugly and women. I figure what is there to lose? Why alienate 99% of your readers when you can go for the big 100? Yes you. You know who you are.

I received this job application from Philip.

Philip was kind enough to apply for a job that I wasn’t advertising at a Company that I don’t work for. But I don’t think that should come between a potential employment relationship.

He is applying for the job because he thinks he would find it “easy and interesting”. So, you know, I’m kind of liking the guy by now.

His salary request for £300,000 per annum seemed a little steep, especially considering he could only work Monday to Wednesday. But his request for a £4,000,000 joining fee did start to raise some questions.

Fortunately he informs me that “the reports and results [he] produces are second to none”. So I’m starting to think that golden handshake might just be worth it….

There are a few gaps on the CV though, but Philip helpfully points out that he has recently been “helping various people overcome personal grief, and also with helping them with various problems and generally being sociable (WITHOUT REMUNERATION)”.

But just when I was about to pick up the phone, the bombshell. Philip informs me that “very fortunately indeed [he] has no ties with any of the companies that [he] has worked at”. He has, “never worked for the same company twice”. And “This will remain the case”.

You had me won over until there Philip. But company loyalty? It’s a must.

When negotiations turn sour.......

2009-10-13T09:15:00.003+01:00

IDIOT: No offence.........but I need to talk to the organ grinder and not the monkey.

HRD: (After a pause and a pretend phone call). Right I've spoken to the organ grinder and......"no offence".....they think you only warrant the monkey.

The sounds of another icon turning to dust

2009-10-09T10:37:00.006+01:00

Think of Britain and what do you see? Rolling fields, rain, warm beer, cricket. And how about postal boxes. The red ones. An archetypal image of Britain. A symbol of this sceptered isle.

Not for long. Not if the Communication Workers Union has anything to do with it. Yesterday they voted by 3:1 in favour of industrial action. This on the back of several localised strikes that have led to thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of letters being destroyed, lost or otherwise delayed.

Why are they striking? Because they say that management are "modernising too quickly".

The Royal Mail is already significantly less efficient than other mail providers and these days, businesses have the choice of who they use. Two of the big commercial users of the Royal Mail (Amazon and Argos) have already said they are putting in place alternative arrangements. What are the chances that they will come back post industrial action?

Joe Public, for the moment, does not have a choice of who it uses as mail provider (although the use of email must surely be another nail in the coffin). Combined with stories like this one. And the likelihood of a Tory government. How long before we start to hear the cries for the opening up of domestic postal services to competition?

Just like the Miners in the 1980's, the postal workers are bringing on the demise of the Royal Mail as we know it. Take pictures of those post boxes when you see them guys. Because soon, they'll be adorning novelty pubs and peoples back yards. And no longer a fixture on every street.

Bring out your dead......

2009-10-07T10:26:00.003+01:00

There has been a mighty brouhaha in the UK HR community about this article which appeared in The Times on 5 October 2009 written by Sathnam Sanghera. Message boards and blogs are filled with arguments pro and con. These basically divide along two lines:

1) HR is a pointless function full of bureaucratic little dweebs who failed to make it into traffic warden school
2) HR is misunderstood by society and is more strategic than a strategic thing from strategy land….if it could only be taken seriously

I was approached by one of the main trade press to provide a rebuttal to Sanghera’s article and after considering it for a while, well if I’m honest, I struggled.

That’s not to say I agree with him whole heartedly, the article is poorly written, poorly argued and lacks any real substance other than Sanghera’s views. And seeing that his biog shows that on graduating from Cambridge University he went straight into journalism – his views don’t carry as much weight as many in my opinion.

But let’s face it; our profession IS probably one of the most neurotic professions in the world, constantly doubting and questioning its own worth and worrying about how it’s perceived. Like an abused partner that is constantly told they are worthless and meaningless, are we really surprised that we have some sense of neurosis?

And then this just gets worse as we start to harm ourselves. Read the blogs, look at the comments. Lets be self depreciating, because if we say we are pathetic then it won’t hurt so much when others tell us we are. Will it?

So we change how we look, alter our views and appearance, because maybe they’ll love me if I change? All a load of old tosh and a waste of time and energy.

Business Partner? My arse!

Let’s get some confidence, let’s get some swagger, let’s stop worrying and start performing. If people don’t take us seriously lets work to persuade them, to show them, to convince them. We have worth, we have value, we ARE lovable. And if they don’t understand…maybe that’s their problem and not ours. Maybe they have the issue.

If anyone is going to sound the death knell for Human Resources, it will be the profession itself and its lack of spine.

Sanghera has that much right, if nothing else.

Generation XY

2009-10-05T08:36:00.002+01:00

I like to think I’m a bit of a new man. You know, in touch with my inner soft furnishings. I don’t just watch films about war and I’ve been to a musical. I can cook and get a lump in my throat watching Watership Down.

So much so, it seems that I could be mistaken for a woman.

This has happened to me once before when, in a bar in France, a lady who had consumed enough Pastis to intoxicate the entire Foreign Legion from behind a dune, tapped me on the shoulder and in a gravelly voice borne of smoking Gaulloises since the cradle, enquired, “mademoiselle?”.

That relationship never had a future……...

More recently it has happened in the blogosphere, which doesn’t really surprise me as a lot of HR people are women a lot of bloggers are women…so combine the two and Bob's your Auntie.

Anyway, it made me wonder this.

If we put aside the arguments about whether HR as a profession is any good or not for the moment and accept the stereotypes given to it (remember: we are as other people see us).

Is HR viewed as being un-commercial and ineffective because there are more women in it?

Or are women attracted to HR because its appeal is being less hard edged and commercial and more intuitive?

And is the only way to change the perceptions of HR to recruit more men and change its modus operandi?

Idiot questions and suitable punishments

2009-10-02T15:33:00.007+01:00

I it just me or are we inundated in HR with idiot questions?

Sometimes it feel as if the whole of the organisation has some form of "business tourettes" brought on by being in the HR department.

"Can you tell me how much holiday I've taken?"

No, but I can tell you how much I've taken. Because I have a brain.

"I want to make a complaint against my manager, but I don't want them to know. Is that ok?"

Yeah.....I want to punch you but I don't want you to know. Close your eyes?

I'm thinking that we should have some sort of fining system going on. A 5% deduction in monthly earnings for every 5 minutes of my life that you waste. Or maybe bring back happy slapping or sumo wrestling?

Tell me I'm not alone....tell me this pain is shared?

Where only the brave dare tread....

2009-09-30T16:46:00.002+01:00

My name is the HRD. I am a white, middle class male (I’m not middle aged, but fast approaching). I therefore am part of one of the most discriminated against groups in western society.

Eh?

No really.

It’s pretty simple. Consider this.

1) When it comes to health. Take two cancers. Both have about the same level of occurrence. Both have about the same mortality rate. The only difference? One occurs in women only. One in men. Surely it’s hard then to explain then why government investment in breast cancer far outstrips that of prostate cancer?

2) In affairs of the heart. My wife has an affair. She leaves me. Of course the weight of law is that she will gain custody of the children, the house and a large proportion of my salary for the forthcoming years. Is this because of my behaviour, because I am not as good a carer? Or because I am male.

3) In the workplace. I can’t be promoted or moved into positions of superiority because…well because I am a white middle class male. And that would be discriminatory to promote me. Lets find someone else, someone less…stereotypical.

4) At home, I need to be able to cook and clean, to raise the children, to express my emotions, to be in touch with myself. But come the moment when something really heavy needs lifting, when the electrics go kaput, when there is water coming through the ceiling. Who you gonna call?

My name is the HRD. I am a white middle class male.

Pity me?

Psychobollocks

2009-09-29T09:10:00.001+01:00

Test, test, test. We don’t know what we’re doing so, I know, lets use some spurious test to give us some semblance of a measured process and then just come up with the conclusion we had in the first place.

I hate tests and I hate testing. Lets face it t he purveyors of these things are really the modern day Soothsayers. Selling predictions based on some old bunch of weed, the size of your arse and the direction of the prevailing wind.

And I know the challenge will come back, “when they are used properly they can be informative as an addition to other means of assessment” (God, did I really just write that?) but so can graphology. Not that I hear anyone chanting for that apart from the French and lets face it, they still have two hour lunch breaks, 6 months holiday and call everyone Mr and Mrs in the workplace.

I’m yet to be convinced there is any better means for recruitment or development than sitting down and having a conversation. Asking questions and listening. Talking, exploring and getting to know the person. Sure sometimes I will use a few scenario based questions to give the person something to discuss, but tests? Nope.

I have never taken MBTI, Belbin, FiroB etc.etc. Although I have worked in companies that used them regularly. Quite frankly I never understood the point. What was it going to tell me about myself that I didn’t know already? And if I didn’t know it, was I going to accept it because it was on a piece of paper?

I think not.

I am what I am

2009-09-25T20:31:00.006+01:00

It's been brought to my attention that my last few posts may have sounded somewhat....well.....angry.

It has been suggested that people are starting to see me as behaving like Simon Cowell having been fisted by the winner of the "largest reindeer hoof in Alaska contest" and forced to chew the testicles of an alligator whilst humming the them tune to Star Wars.

Its been a tough time and things have been pressurized, but if you grant me a minute I'll try to redress the balance.

This takes me a little away from subject so my excuses in advance.

Things that make me happy:

1) The sunset when the sky turns red and the clouds look like froth on the fire of hades

2) The first sip of a glass of white wine after a hard days work, crackling on my tongue

3) The smell of damp leaves on an autumn day sinking deep into my consciousness

4) Holding hands and walking in the rain with not a worry in the world

5) The smell of a baby - like nothing on earth

6) Solving the Guardian crossword without assistance, remembering that I do have a brain

7) Laughing with friends that are dear to me, knowing that we are one

8) Seeing my kids succeed where they feared they would fail, learning that believing is strength

9) The British countryside, underrated, undersold, unique

10) Being me. I am what I am.

Fugly is NOT the new black

2009-09-23T10:04:00.001+01:00

Last night was pleasant enough. I was at some HR do, for HR bods, doing HR things in their HR worlds. It was over a glass of passable white wine served in a somewhat chunky tumbler and some Mexican things (I’m never sure what they exactly are – just seems to be the same stuff folded in a variety of different ways) that the conversation took a turn.

I was bemoaning the fact that I was struggling to find a decent PA…..

“and they’re all crap and even the ones that aren’t that crap, well they’re…..kind of…..not so…….umm……well they’re ugly…….”

And in that moment, there it was……..my secret was out.

Yes it’s true. Given the choice between two equally skilled candidates, I will choose the one I find less ugly over the other one. I don’t choose JUST based on looks. I would never preclude someone just because of their looks.

Actually, I tell a lie. If you look like the gorilla that fell out of the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down, you are either going to have to be married to the finest purveyor of cheese in the whole of France or have created a means of turning water into wine if you want darken my door.

I’m open and honest about this. I just want my office space to look tidy. And quite frankly ugly people….well they just clutter up the place and make it look a mess.

PLUS and this is a big plus……when you work in HR you need to be making an immediate impact. Our jobs are hard enough as it is influencing and cajoling people. If they can’t get beyond the size of your conk (that’s conk with an N), or see daylight because your ears are covering the windows….well they are hardly going to listen to your strategy for talent management.

It’s fair to say that I got taken to task on this. I am apparently a “contentious bastard” (I’m sure she loves me really!) and am “missing out on a whole host of talent”. Ugly talent I should add……

My view? I’m just honest about my prejudices. Everyone chooses people that they find attractive. That’s just the way we are.

And as far as I can see discriminating against the ugly is not yet illegal. So, if you are the bearded women, don’t come to me for a job. Move along dear, the Freak Show is just down the street.

The sound of steam being let off

2009-09-22T09:52:00.003+01:00

I was writing something else to post, but then quite frankly something/one has got under my skin and I need to expunge this from my system through pushing it out into the blogosphere. What follows is not pretty and has been rated an 18 by the BBFC…..I apologise.

“You know what?

I don’t have the answers. Sometimes I don’t know. I am not the all seeing, all hearing fucking uber oracle that’s sat here waiting to provide you all with calm, peaceful resolutions to your otherwise unimportant and shitty little lives. Sometimes I just don’t know.

I have a brain and I have inner resources and both of these can become minimised, clogged up and filled with the pointless crap you wrongly feel is important. If it’s that important to you…….do it your fucking self……..

There are levels to which I can remain calm, focused, non-judgmental and rational in the face of all the irrationality, noise, and quite frankly total fucking madness that you people project.

I am just skin and bones. I am human.

So take your issues and your problems and your whines and your moans and shove them so far up your sphincter that when you look in the mirror you see Ja Ja Binks staring right back at you.

Shove it…….I’m off for a lie down”

The HRD is............

2009-09-21T08:28:00.002+01:00

Isn’t it strange that in a world awash with communication tools, we’ve so successfully managed to right royally roger the art of communication? We have more opportunities than any other time in the history of humankind to communicate and yet time and time again we ask it to drop its pants and bend over.

My theory?

We are living in our own little worlds, our own little bubbles. We travel with headphones on, listening to our own music, watching a video. At work we fire off emails, we send texts, we chat via Messenger. At home, we blog, we tweet, we update our status, we record, we watch………

When do we talk? When do we listen? When do we truly interact?

Communication has become so easy that we don’t think about what we say, or how we say it. It’s just another thing. Something we do.

The Manager pinging out emails from the bunker of their office
The repeated use of text speak and avoidance of any sort of grammatical basis
The use of social networking to replace friendship

I’m not saying that these things are bad per se (I throw that in to show I’m an educated chap - don’t you know). Everything has its place but at the end of the day it’s hard to beat good old face to face communication. It has been going for thousands of years and looks pretty future proof to me…….

So I’m going to stop.

I’m going to change.

From this moment on I will not be participating in anythi

Overleaping the mark

2009-09-17T10:22:00.008+01:00

Yep, its a recession and I know that everyone is trying to find ways of making their next buck.

I'm a great believer in ingenuity, in entrepreneurial flair, in people going the extra mile.

But there is the extra mile and there is too far. Way too far.........

This little beauty came into my sweaty little hands from a friend who had received it at work.

The names have been removed to protect the innocent......

N.B. I should add that this was a genuine pitch by the individual involved

PA(h)!

2009-09-15T08:15:00.005+01:00

I took time out of my union activities yesterday to try and recruit myself a new PA. As previously noted, I hate recruitment. Having an attention span of somewhere south of 30 seconds and being remarkably judgmental means that normally before the person even sits down I have put them in the yes or no camp.

That said, yesterday I was recruiting with other members of my team and therefore felt I needed to be a little more professional than the norm....say, maybe waiting a minute before making a judgment. But hey, why bother when the pool of applicants is so ridiculously poor that like lemmings that do the honourable thing and commit career hari-kiri in front of your eyes.....

So in tribute to the little darlings, here are my top tips on things not likely to get you a job.

1) If the dates are wrong on your CV, then change them. Do NOT walk into the interview and when questioned say, "yeah that's wrong".
2) "I didn't realise the building was so close to the road" is not meaningful small talk. This is London. Show me a building that isn't close to the road not lived in by royalty.
3) If the role is for a PA, you kind of guess that spelling and grammar might be important. You did not use to order the "stationary"...trust me....you didn't.
4) You will be asked the question, "why do you want this job?" It's not a trick question. It's not there to catch you out. It's simple.....think it through beforehand. Lie. Do anything but sit there like Bambi in the crosshairs.
5) When completing an in tray exercise, try not to suggest prioritising the activity needing completion before midday, before the one needing completion before 9.30. If you do.....fess up. Don't try and justify it.....really.....don't......please.....

I could go on, but the depression is soaking through every pore in my body. Needless to say we didn't offer. Anyone want a job?

Sell out?

2009-09-13T09:02:00.005+01:00

This week I was accused, on another blog, of selling out. The premiss of the argument was that because my job entails certain activities that could be considered anti-union, therefore I could not be a socialist.

To be fair to the individual involved, they are not the first person (nor can I imagine will they be the last) to accuse me of either hypocrisy or selling out. And they are probably just trying to be sensationalist and inflammatory in order to serve their own ends.

But honestly? I find this ridiculously naive and idealistic.

I have a job, which I am paid to do. I am good at it.

I have my beliefs and my ideologies. These are what make me who I am.

Sometimes in my job I have to do certain things that clash with my beliefs.

So I have a choice, I can either walk away from the job or I can get on with it and know that regardless I am who I am. I'm me and I'm loved.

And at the end of the day I am putting food on the the table and in the mouths of my children. There is nothing I wouldn't do to ensure that they were ok. If I wasn't working and they needed food, then I would steal. I don't believe in breaking the law, but I would steal. Its these kinds of decisions that those of us in the real world come up against every day.

We all make compromises in order to make our way. That's just the way it is.

My experience of these social idealists is that they normally spend most of the time lurking in their bedrooms, pleasuring themselves over well worn sticky copies of the Little Red Book, whilst dreaming of having a girlfriend/boyfriend....I mean..... the glorious day. Not a million miles away from religious zealots, war gamers or the guys that get dressed up as Wizards and Warlocks for fun.

Me? I get on with it. I work, I make a living, I care and I provide. And in my spare time? Well that would be telling......but come the revolution, I'll be putting myself up against the wall.

Union like a hole in the head

2009-09-12T08:35:00.002+01:00

Anyone who has read back through my posts will know that I am not anti-Union. I would recommend to anyone that I cared for (outside of my organisation) that they join a Union.

They can be good personally, but organisationally they can be a pain in the butt. This week has been Union week for me.

I have been shouted at, abused, and essentially told that I am one step away from being Pol Pot.

Why?

Because I suggested that an 11.8% pay deal was probably a little unrealistic given then current economic climate.

Because I refused to enshrine redundancy terms of four weeks pay per year of service into our terms and conditions.

Becuase I turned down, out of hand, a 33% increase to base pay.

And one lot has now indicated that because we are being so unreasonable they are going to ballot for industrial action.

Yeah...you know that "I support the ability of labour to organise" malarkey....its taken a knocking.....boy has it taken a knocking......

Next week "How to illegally prevent Unions from picketing parts 1 and 2"

When I want your opinion

2009-09-10T16:09:00.001+01:00

CEO: HRD….come in…..sit.
HRD: How are you?
CEO: Depressed. I’m depressed.
HRD: ……..ah…..um……….I could tell you a joke?
CEO: Ohh please!
HRD: What’s ET short for?
CEO: I meant “please!” as in…..not “please” as in……
HRD: …………….because hes got small legs…….
CEO: Good God…..please tell me that’s not your best……
HRD: Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
CEO: Look can we get to the point?
HRD: Sure…..the mooovies…..geddit?
CEO: HRD!
HRD: Oops
CEO: So……ask?
HRD: Ask?
CEO: .....me. Ask me!
HRD: Why are you depressed?
CEO: That board meeting. They’re all….
HRD: Mad? Stupid?
CEO: …………….probably. I mean why the fuck won’t they say anything? I ask a question and……nothing! Nada! Rien!
HRD: ……………….
CEO: I mean for fucks sake its not as if I don’t tell them what I think enough. They should be able to tell me what I…um they….think. Shouldn’t they? Its not as if I don’t make it clear what the fucking answer is.
HRD: …..maybe……
CEO: ……yes?
HRD: ……is it just possible…….
CEO: …..what!
HRD: ….they don’t see the point?

Moan, moan, moan

2009-09-08T17:39:00.004+01:00

Moaners (and I'm not talking in a good sense here) - Don't they just get your goat?

The HR profession is full of them.

1) "I want to be taking seriously" - then stop behaving like a paper pusher

2) "Nobody follows the guidelines" - that's because they're incomprehensible and impractical

3) "People don't involve me early enough" - see 1 and 2 above

At the same time, we are of course moan central for anyone who ever wants to complain about anything in the business that ever happened at any point to anyone from anywhere (did I cover it there?)

1) "It's too cold/hot/wet/dry in here" - put a scarf/bikini/wetsuit/damp cloth on

2) "I want a pay rise/new office/new boss/nose job" - jog on....just jog on....

3) "I'm unhappy with my career" - take a number and join the back of the queue

Everybody seems to want to moan about something.

Me? I just want to moan about moaners.

What if?

2009-09-04T09:34:00.000+01:00

How many times do you say you can’t do something “because”?
That you would love to do something “but”
You were going to “however”

How often do we limit ourselves through the assumptions that we make. The limiting assumptions that shape our daily lives and make us go in a direction that may not be the one that we truly want to go. The one that we believe would truly make us happy.

“I’m no good at….”
“He wouldn’t like it if…..”
“It wouldn’t work because….”
“I’ve never been able to….”
“If it wasn’t for……”

What if none of these things were true?
What if actually we could decide completely our future?
What if we realised that we had total control and ownership over our own decisions?

What if anything was possible?

Maybe we’d make some mistakes, get mud on our face once or twice. Maybe some things wouldn’t work out as we’d hoped. Maybe we’d get hurt.

But at least we’d know.

Tip of the day

2009-09-02T10:39:00.002+01:00

1) Do not send links to porn from your work computer
2) If you are going to send links to porn, don't accidently send to all users
3) If you are going to send links to porn to all users, don't work in the IT department responsible for internet usage

Follow these simple tips and you are unlikely to get into my bad books. Unlike some people.....

The dreams of youth

2009-08-27T08:50:00.001+01:00

This weekend is a holiday weekend in the UK and I’ll be returning home to the place where I grew up. It’s remiss of me that I haven’t been back to the fold for a year and it started me thinking about the hopes and dreams I had as a child

Kid: Mum, Dad. We’ve been talking at school about jobs and I made a choice
Mum: Ohh really son? What is it?
Kid: I know what I want to be when I’m a big boy!
Dad: Hey, good man. Come on little fella, tell me what it is? Spaceman? Racing Driver? Footballer?
Mum:…..Doctor, Lawyer?
Kid: smugly Nope. I want to be……………..an HR Director!
Mum:……………………………………………………..
Dad:………………………………………………………
Fish (in tank on the side): ………………………………..
Mum: Ohh my God, what will the neighbours say………
Dad:………,.ok little man……its good you’re exploring options…..options are good, we all need to look and think and rule out the completely f***ing stupid, but I don’t think you need to rush into anything, make any decisions, you’ve got the whole life ahead of you…….let's not be rash………
Mum: What will the family say……..
Dad:….so tell me……..what….I mean how….I mean WHY?
Kid: Well I like dreaming up ideas and special worlds and places that only I can understand and everyone else says are just silly……..
Mum: What will the kids in the park say………
Dad: Will you shut up! Uhuh go on son…..
Kid: I like make believe, pretending I’m a big strong, important and powerful man who everyone likes and wants to be friends with….....
Dad: Yup
Kid: I like painting by numbers, colouring in and I always have the most-tidiest pencil case in all of the school………
Dad:………………..
Kid: And I’m rubbish at maths unless I use my fingers and toes…….
Mum: I’m leaving town……………
Kid: So the teacher said it was the absolute, most perfect job she could think of in the whole wide world for me…….
Dad: ….right…..umm….be there’s no rush, there are lots of good jobs out there, undertaker……taxidermist…….pest controller…….no need to jump right in and decide now
Mum: I’m feeling faint……
Kid: But Dad, I leave Uni in the summer, what am I going to do then?
Mum: ***thud***

Pride comes before........

2009-08-25T19:26:00.004+01:00

Its been 51 weeks this week since I started at the madhouse. 51 weeks.

I'm proud that during that time I can hand on heart say that I have changed the way in which HR is perceived. We're not perfect. Not perfect by any means, but people are starting to get what I am saying. They are starting to understand the value of a good, proactive, strategic HR function.

This morning was a high point.

For three hours I was with the Deputy CEO, the Comms Director and the Strategy Director. We were talking about how we drive the strategic agenda forward, how we focus the Board on thinking strategically and not tactically, we were debating the key issues that we saw for the business and our industry in the next five years. We were making a difference.

And this was a meeting that I engineered. It was never going to happen and I made it happen. We were placing HR at the centre of the business agenda and facilitating and driving change.

It was a high point. And I returned to the office on a high.

Voicemail.

"HRD. Its FD. Just want to let you know that Facilities Director (little FD - fD) came to see me, now shes back from maternity leave, about the move from reporting to me to reporting to you. Not happy. Not happy at all. She says it will look like a backward step in the external market and she's worried that Facilities won't be taken as seriously anymore now its reporting into HR. Just wanted to let you know."

***clunk***

I'm not ashamed to tell you that the air went blue. But then, "hey" I thought. What the hell. When did I ever worry about what the FD thought! And certainly not the fD!!

Just goes to show, you. You are as other people see you.

There is work yet to be done...........

Vive la difference

2009-08-21T10:35:00.003+01:00

I’m back from the deepest darkest recesses of our nearest neighbour where I have been sojourning for the last few weeks.

There are many reasons that I love France and love the French. Wine is not far from the top of the list and cheese definitely a contender…and after this summer the fact that the have a sun in the sky is a plus too. Sure they may struggle in the backbone department at times but given the weather, the wine and the countryside I too could easily jump into the “cheese eating surrender monkey” camp.

“You want my country? Sure! You mess with my cheese and wine, I kill you!”

But the real reason that I like the French is their complete inability to follow any rule of law….

If a swimming pool says that the slide is for over 11 year olds only, you’ll most likely see a portly hirsute French guy chomping on a piece of Brie whilst propelling his newly born down the slide head first on the remains of a rubber ring and imploring him to stop wailing and have some fun.

If you’re on a road limited to 110kph you’ll be overtaken by some guy in a 12 year old 2CV whilst shaving and brushing his teeth and listening to Johnny Halliday.

And of course if it says don’t smoke….well that’s just an invitation to unfurl a plume of smoke from brands of cigarettes that in other parts of the world has been designated as WMDs.

Its no surprise of course to find that this love of all things anti establishment also extends to the workplace where our French friends think nothing of walking out, blockading, burning down their place of work and even taking their bosses hostage. If you don’t believe me, do a quick search on Google for “protester comme une grenouille” (!)

So from today on I’m taking a leaf out of the tobacco pouch of my Gallic cousins and will deliberately flout a rule or law every day for a week………..Vive la Revolution!

Right after I’ve filled out these forms that are cloging up my in tray…….

The HRD is now leaving the building

2009-08-03T20:30:00.003+01:00

In the morning I wake up. I shave, I shower. I put on a nice suit and a nice shirt made to my size. I wear cuff links that match and cologne that I'm given.

My hair is cropped, my skin soft.

I travel to work on the 6.52 train with my Blackberry and my iPod. I catch the tube.

I go to my corner office where I have a lovely view of London. An Assistant. Respect (most of the time). A good career. A great career.

I make decisions, I sit in meetings. I influence. I lead.

On Wednesday morning at 11.20 I am getting on a plane. A plane to Nimes.

For the following two weeks I will be running in the hills of the Ardeche. I will be hiking up the biggest, swimming down the rivers, kayaking the white water.

I will be wearing shorts and t-shirts, a rucksack with my gear. I won't have shaved, I will smell like a baboon's underpants. I'll be sun burnt and weathered. I'll be battered and bruised.

For two weeks, I will be me. The person that I really am.

I'll be back though. You can count on that.

The HRD is now leaving the building.

No baby seals were hurt in the making of this post

2009-07-30T21:02:00.004+01:00

***ring, ring, ring, ring***

CEO:....HRD?

HRD: Yo bitch!

CEO: I'm sorry?!?

HRD: (shit!).....ummmm.....witch.....NO!.....I meant, "Hi...How are you your holiness?"

CEO: Do you have a holiday booked HRD?

HRD:.......err yes.....next week

CEO: Thank God. You're sounding somewhat off centre. Anyway...

HRD: Off centre?

CEO: Shush. Just shush.......This flu thingy.

HRD: "Flu thingy"? Not sure what you're talking about...is there an issue....a problem?

CEO: HRD.....now, do we need to talk to Occupational Health?

HRD: About the flu?

CEO:........about YOU!

HRD: Ok, ok. Flu. Yes. What about it?

CEO: Has anyone got it?

HRD: Ummmm, yes. We have a few cases.

CEO: Who?

HRD: Why?

CEO: I just don't want them coming near.....I mean I don't want to touch....I mean OBVIOUSLY they need to be kept away...............from me

HRD:..................ok................

(silence)

CEO: Well...you get the message? Comprende? Anyway what else do we have in place?

HRD: We are cleaning the meeting rooms on a more regular basis, we have signage and advice for all staff and we have alcohol hand gel in all toilet and kitchen areas.

CEO: Do we?

HRD: Yes

CEO: There is none in my bathroom

HRD.....oh dear.....

CEO: HRD?

HRD: .............yes?

CEO: GET IT FUCKING SORTED!

***clunk***

The one to make you feel all warm inside

2009-07-29T09:24:00.002+01:00

Two posts today on two differing topics……

In the UK, it has rained throughout July, the Met Office have revised their forecast for August from “hot and sunny” to “variable”. Swine flu is on the increase, the recession is still biting hard, Whitney Houston has a new album coming out and the Government is hanging by a thread. But…..BUT there are reasons to be cheerful! Ohh yes there are.....

A copy of the book “You are really rich, you just don’t know it” fell into my sweaty palms this week. And my initial reaction was similar to being told that your best friend is actually a closet Celine Dion fan. But I had a train journey and I had managed to leave my iPod somewhere (please email if you find it, its recognisable by the blend of quality music from throughout the 90’s!).

The book is the result of research into a replacement to the traditional financial value system. In a nutshell they asked 1000 people to rate 50 life events and 5 items of monetary value on a happiness scale. They then did some mathematical jiggery pokery and came up with a cash value for the life events. And the results really cheered me up.

Topping the charts was “having good health” which is worth £180,589 closely followed by my favourite “being told ‘I love you’” which weighed in at £164,921. And of course laughing (£108,021) is worth more than sex (£105,210). But imagine if you could combine the two……

Take a look at www.reallyrichlist.com. Since reading it I have felt a warm glow….and no I haven’t spilt my coffee on my lap again…..

The one to make you angry

2009-07-29T09:19:00.001+01:00

The second of two

This is a disgrace.

Today the Danish company Vestas is going to the courts to remove workers from its Isle of Wight factory who have occupied it in protest at the decision to close the factory.

The company make wind turbines. Yes wind turbines, the things that are supposed to help us prevent the earth from heating up to the point that we will all need to grow fins and gills. It is the only factory in the UK that makes wind turbines. We will then be importing from abroad……again.

The Isle of Wight is a small community. It doesn’t have a huge amount of employment that is not seasonal. Unemployment is above the national average and there are around 60 jobseekers for each job centre vacancy.

Plus if renewable energy is the future then what the hell are we doing reducing the capacity to produce turbines in the UK? Its madness, pure madness.

Congratulations to the protestors their friends, families and supporters.

Contempt to the managers who delivered notices of dismissal along with pizza.

But still the warm glow remains.

Entitlement culture

2009-07-28T13:12:00.001+01:00

You are entitled to,

1) An hourly rate of £5.73 (for +22 year olds) or £4.77 (for 18 to 21 year olds)
2) 28 days holiday inclusive of public holidays
3) A years worth of maternity leave 39 weeks of it paid at £123.06 per week
4) Two weeks worth of paternity leave paid at £123.06 per week
5) Be a member of a Trade Union
6) Statutory redundancy pay of up to £350 per week
7) A safe working environment

You are not entitled to,

1) A subsidised canteen and restaurant
2) Choose you’re the hours and days that you attend work
3) A Christmas party
4) Healthcare
5) A car
6) Choose your manager or your colleagues
7) A say in everything that might ever impact you in anyway whatsoever

You are certainly not entitled to,

1) My understanding
2) My being nice to you
3) My time patience and consideration
4) The shirt off my back
5) Touch any part of my body unless proffered
6) My weekends
7) My freedom

A weighty issue

2009-07-24T09:41:00.004+01:00

Having posted a bit of a diatribe (make that two diatribes – is that a gaggle?) at http://www.punkrockhr.com/ about obesity, I checked with my conscience.

She told me I didn’t understand all the issues. So I tried to explain.

She told me to blog about it. And as I always listen to my conscience………

My beef is this: obesity is a societal issue.

The way we structure and organise our society has led to the issues with increasing obesity. The way that people explain this away is dangerous. Sure it might make you feel better as an individual to say that you have a “genetic predisposition”. But the statistical probability of that is slim (no pun intended).

The chances are that it is a lifestyle problem. Most obesity is caused by taking more in than you expend. That is the long hard truth of the matter.

And worse. By taking the “genetic predisposition” line we also risk giving the green light to children that there is an answer and that it’s ok to be overweight. We are not focussing on the real problems, the real issues.

Fast and unhealthy food is too cheap.
We have lost our cooking skills and the ability to make nutritious affordable meals.
Organised exercise is inaccessible or prohibitively expensive.
Nutritional information is poor and inconsistent.

These are societal issues. And this is where I come in as an HR professional. My organisation is part of society. We are a living and working organism. And we have employees. People who come to work every day for us. People who make us who we are. People who we care about.

I believe we have a role in providing information and opportunities for our people. We provide free healthcare for all. Information on and ways in which people can assess their health and wellbeing confidentially. Biannual confidential medicals. Subsidised Gym membership. Plus a canteen that provides subsidised nutritious and balanced meals.

None of these are forced on people. We don’t make people stay and eat - they can go across the road and buy what the hell they want. We don’t make them join the gym or go to the Doctors. We create an environment which is conducive to healthy living and where it is ok to tackle issues of wellbeing.

Being obese has long term health complications. Sure you may argue that an obese person is as “healthy” as a slim person. But then there are examples of professional sportspeople who smoke. But we wouldn’t argue that a smoker was “healthy”?

These long term health issues will result in medical and societal problems in time and in turn, unless we act, these will impact on my organisation.

This is not Big Brother. This is a ticking time bomb.

Choices

2009-07-22T09:23:00.002+01:00

This morning I stopped to get a bottle of Lucozade at the shop next to the office (think Gatorade for Brits). Coffee wasn't going to do it on its own today. Cofffee was out of its league.

It was 7.30am.

The guy behind me was buying a can of Guinness.

For a moment, I thought maybe he had it right and I had it wrong.

Just for a moment.

A class act

2009-07-21T13:57:00.003+01:00

We have a class issue here in the UK.

We have serious issues with class and with movement. People will tell me that it doesn’t matter what family you were born into, that you can progress and change.

That is just not true.

I’ll repeat it for the hard of reading. We have a class issue.

Let me put it another way,

75% of Judges have been privately educated
70% of Barristers have been privately educated
70% of Finance Directors of major companies have been privately educated

That’s against a UK average of less than 10%

We have a class issue.

People will point at the odd one who made it (Richard Branson is normally the quoted example or Sir Alan Sugar….Baron Sugar?).

One swallow does not make a summer.

This is not about the rich versus the poor, or the “haves” versus the “have nots”. This is about the ruling elite, a clique, an exclusive club, versus the rest of us.

This is about recruiting and promoting people who are like you and only people who are like you. Sometimes its out of ignorance, sometimes its out of fear of difference, often it’s out of a sense of duty to friends and family. Trust me, I see it every day.

There is a glimmer of hope. Alan Milburn has today published his report on “Fair Access to the Professions”. I’ve read it (oh yes I have) and it makes a world of sense.

Its not law, it’s just a report. But the more of us who jump up and down, who make a noise about this. The more of us who tackle this issue head on in our own places of work. The more there is a likelihood that something is going to change.

We have a class issue in the UK. There I said it. And the sky didn’t fall in.

I just hope I don’t get a speeding ticket, because the chances of getting off now are slim……….

Litigation, litigation, litigation

2009-07-20T08:27:00.001+01:00

Last week was “one of those weeks”. In fact its feeling like it has been “one of those years”. In the words of Lizzie, its shaping up to have been my “annus horribilis” in many ways.

My organisation has always had somewhat of a soft underbelly when it comes to claims relating from employment. Actually that’s wrong. Soft underbelly suggests some sort of resistance. We’re talking pushing on a non-existing door in a blank cheque kind of a way.

A collective “make it go away” mentality.

I do not share this view.

In any shape or form or substance.

I believe that legislation is there to protect people. Not for the use of lawyers to try and make a buck or two through launching nebulous claims that they know a company will look at and think “stuff it, its going to cost us xxxx to defend, let’s just give it to them and make it go away”.

If I have done wrong, if we have done wrong…then we should hold our hands up and admit it, be adult, compensate and learn. That’s how adults behave.

But if we haven’t done wrong? If we have behaved with the best interests of our customers our colleagues and our community at heart? Why should we compensate?

The problem is that behaviour breeds behaviour. And because we have always gone down the road of least resistance, the folklore says “make a claim and the company giveth away”.

So I have piles of litigation mounting up. Including a Sexual Discrimination claim made against your truly.

But my shoulders are broad and we won’t be easy pickings. Not on my watch.

Its the delivery stupid......

2009-07-14T10:14:00.001+01:00

How often is poor communication the cause for confusion, anger, upset?

How often do we send a text message, speak on the phone, type an email (or all three for the superbly talented) whilst we are doing something else?

How much importance do we really place on ensuring we are communicating effectively?

These are the questions I’m mulling over having miscommunicated badly. Really badly.

As in nearly end of the world, meteor storm showering the earth badly.

As in poke every square inch of my body with a red hot needle badly.

As in…..well you get the picture….

I knew the message I wanted to communicate, I knew the message I wanted to get across. But I was really busy and I got it wrong.

Under challenge I was defensive. I mean if you look at the words that were communicated then sure they could have been taken the wrong way. But that wasn’t my sentiment that wasn’t what I was trying to get across. That wasn’t the message I wanted to convey, I mean can’t they understand that?

The cold light of day shows me that it was my error. It didn’t matter that I was busy. It didn’t matter that I had a million other things vying for my attention. I was more concerned with task than with the message.

How many times does that happen each day?

4/10 HRD. Must try harder.

Teachers and learnings

2009-07-10T10:38:00.003+01:00

The UK media is awash with this news story.

Interestingly, normally a case of an adult assaulting a minor would result in headlines about demonic behaviour and much hand wringing. Not so on this occasion, there seems to be a degree of sympathy and understanding.

Now I’m not normally in favour of teachers hitting kids (if indeed that is what happened) BUT this highlights a number of areas that really need to be addressed.

- Teachers no longer have the power to deal with unruly pupils. This is to the detriment of the education system as a whole. In each class there will be kids that want to learn. I’m not talking about the bright ones, they will succeed anyway. I’m talking about the middle tiers, the ones that might make it or might not the ones that could be making a really productive contribution to society in years to come.

- The behaviour of some children is becoming beyond a joke. When a child thinks they can stand up in a classroom and swear at a teacher, or swear at an adult in the street, things have gone too far. This is unacceptable behaviour. Where are the repercussions, where are the punishments, where are the rules?

- Where are the parents in this? It used to be that adults believed other adults over the children. If a teacher said that little Joey had been badly behaved at school, little Joey was in deep doggy doo-doo with the parents. These days, too often the response is, “Not my little Joey, he’s not a naughty boy. He’s just lively”

- The pressure on teachers dealing with these sorts of situations day in and day out is incredibly stressful. Think about being abused, insulted, disobeyed, and contradicted and in some cases physically threatened day in and day out. The end of term is 6 school days away and it seems for this chap it became too much.

Our economies, our prosperity, our futures are being determined here. This is the generation that will be running the world when we are in our twilight years. And I tell you what, I for one am terrified by that thought.

So beating up a pupil can never be right, but if it makes a few kids think, a few parents consider and brings this subject into mainstream debate, then there is something to positive to come out of this sad, sad affair.

The urn, the pig and the predictions

2009-07-08T09:10:00.002+01:00

Forget Michael Jackson, that was yesterday’s news (or in fact ceased to be newsworthy post 1979 and Off the Wall).

Today sees the start of the Ashes….now that’s a real event.

Yep we’re talking cricket. For those of you from less cultured countries, this is a game played over 5 days involving 11 people on each team, throwing and hitting a ball, whilst dressed in white. Sure it’s a little unusual, but it is also the greatest sport on earth.

I’m not going to try and explain the lure of cricket, you’re either born with it or you’re not (although think “5 days sitting in the sun with friends drinking” and you get somewhere close).

But the Ashes, well that’s extra special because it’s against the Aussies. And we know that the non-indigenous Australians are descendents of ex-criminals transported there by the English. And that makes it extra spicy. They don’t like us, we don’t like them.

Don’t believe me? Imagine a solid wooden ball covered in leather coming at chest height at around 150kph…duck? hit? ambulance?

But why all this talk of cricket? What on earth does that have to do with the world of HR…..?

Because I have two predictions.

Anyone that tried to access the BBC website last Friday afternoon whilst Andy Murray was playing will have experienced significant difficulties. Everyone was sat at work watching the furry little Scotsman on his inevitable charge towards second class sporting prowess. Sky Sports will be streaming the five five-day tests live. Expect IT systems in businesses around the UK to crash and burn on those days and productivity to fall.

We also have a creeping increase in the cases of Swine Flu going on here too. Advice is that if you are experiencing flu like symptoms to stay at home until you feel better. Reported cases peaked over the last few weeks (the hottest of the year….coincidence or not?) If the Ashes series is tight and goes into a clinching test don’t be surprised if it coincides with a new high in the number of reported cases of swine flu.

You have been warned....

R U 4 Real?

2009-07-06T11:59:00.004+01:00

Now I've heard everything.

160 characters to apply for a job by text....for guess what? A marketing role. (I refer you to my previous comments.....)

But in the sake of experimentation and participation I proffer the following,

"Grumpy HRD. House trained. Fully flexible. Neither long in the tooth nor green. Laughs in the face of misfortune. Comes with own teeth and hair. Discount on bulk orders"

And did UC there was no text speak involved? Although I can't help feeling it sounds more like a dodgy lonely hearts entry.....

Do I get the gig? Can you better it?

Welcome to the asylum

2009-07-02T09:35:00.002+01:00

Today I’m striking out. I’m fed up. I’m fed up hearing how pathetic and pointless HR is.

Sure there are a lot of crap people in the profession. There are a lot of weak pointless individuals who are in HR because they “like people”. Really? Well go audition for Miss. World then and you can travel the world and meet lots of people….and if you are really good you might get to help the children too.

What’s that? You can’t? I forgot…..too ugly. Ugly, stupid and ineffective. That sums up about 90% of the profession.

But let’s be honest, look around you, the rest of them ain’t that good either…..

Finance – You count. That’s what you do. You count. It’s taught in school. My children can do it. Its not that fucking impressive is it? And particularly as you have computers the size of Peru to help you do it these days. You are as strategic as a lump of four week old cheddar found down the back of the fridge. And you count. Congratulations.

Marketing – Yep you know these guys. They were the ones at University always off their tits on something. Why do so many students want to work in Marketing? Because it’s easy. And because it’s about pretty pictures. Deep down you all want to be the writer or creator of the next big thing don’t you? But you’re not…..because you didn’t make it. You are as creative as a door knob. So go market. Promote stuff you didn’t make to people you don’t know. Sounds enriching.

Sales – Where to start, where to start…... Imagine a litter of Labrador puppies on amphetamines. Excitable, directionless, cute but ultimately ineffective. 99% of the time the person has already made a decision whether to buy or not. That makes about three days a year in which you actually achieve something. The rest of the time? You are as beneficial as fluff in the wind. Do you want a doggie treat?

Just a personal opinion, I mean….don’t take it seriously…..I’m only HR.

The moment when self worth explodes

2009-06-29T16:37:00.003+01:00

I was jumped on when least prepared and at my most vulnerable.

”What do you do in HR?” she asked.

I readied my defences against the, “provide tissues, bake cakes and go home early” attack (the last bit being of course true, but then who’s going to discipline me?)

But there was unnerving sincerity. “I mean I know you guys are scary” she said, “but what do you do?”

Now I’m not scary, nor am I evil. In fact I’m the sort of guy you could take home to meet your mum and I wouldn’t kick the dog, worry the cat or pull the heads off your baby sister’s dolls. Indeed I am perfectly housetrained and an all round good chap….honest…..I’ve even been told I can be charming with a good following wind and a running start.

But what do I do………………………….?

Frantically, I reached for the Blueberry, scrolling through the week’s events, emails and meetings.

“You see I………I do…..things like……things like….well there’s some stuff here that I did…..and some stuff I’m going to do. Then there are the other things……..things that need doing ………when I’ve worked out how I’m going to do them……….for when the other stuff is done......simple........really”

Crap….what do I do?

And double crap.......how come it takes up so much time and energy?

Wishing the days away

2009-06-24T16:43:00.005+01:00

Every day I commute to work. It’s a relatively long commute. I leave home at 6.25am and if I am lucky I get into work at 7.45am. In the evening if I leave at 5.15pm I can be home at 7.00pm.

That’s…………

3 hours and 5 minutes a day.
15 hours and 25 minutes a week
801 hours a year or 33 days

That’s………….

over a month each year just trying to get to and from my place of work.

And sure there are some upsides. I get to listen to music, read a book, think about my life, the universe and everything.

But there are also the downsides. Big steaming piles of downside.

1) Super sized people – if you can’t fit on one seat of the train and therefore take half of mine, pay for two. If not, squeeze yourself. This is your problem and not mine. Sorry, if its harsh, but its true.

2) Man trolleys - You know those bags on a stick that you drag behind you? They are wrong in so many ways. You are a human caravan. You are not allowed to overtake. Put yourself in the slow lane and get the fuck out of my way.

3) Backpacks - When you have one of these on, you take up more space…just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t pressed into my face. Think of yourself like Quasimodo…..get the picture?

4) Stupid ring tones - You are the only person in the world who would have “Pinball Wizard” as your ring tone, so why the hell have you not realised that and answered your phone. Are you really thinking “oh someone with the same taste as me?” Because there is no-one.

5) Smelly food – Wrong, wrong, wrong for so many reasons. You eat at a table. You wouldn’t do this in the theatre. You wouldn’t do this in the Doctor’s surgery. Don’t do this in a confined tubular human carrier.

6) Super sized headphones - It’s not cool, it’s stupid. These are portable devices. The clue is in the name. You need a separate man trolley for your headphones....that makes you an idiot on two counts.

I could go on, but I fear that I may alienate the remaining two non-American readers who survived the previous humour reference.

Maybe I need a holiday.

It's the smallest things......

2009-06-23T12:02:00.003+01:00

As I have grown older (and hopefully wiser), I have become more attuned to the impact that the small things have on morale and motivation. No longer do I knee jerk to the “HR has to be commercial, lets slash and burn the fuck out of the organisation” mantra. Instead I try to understand what is important to others as well as myself.

This is never more in focus than in recessionary times when the pressure is on to target these marginal elements for cost saving, to see them as “low hanging fruit” (pause to vomit).

Reducing the quality of the coffee
Removing the subsidised canteen
Cancelling the Christmas party
Changing the expenses policy

In one organisation I worked in they altered the frequency that the bins were emptied. Instead of the bins being emptied everyday they emptied them every other day. Most colleagues ate at their desks whilst working and not taking a proper lunch break. Their commitment was rewarded by stinking bins. Their response? To ban employees from eating at their desks. Go figure….

And this highlights the second issue. In my experience, there exists a colossal reality gap between the decision makers and the people that are impacted by their decisions. I give you two scenarios from a recent “recession planning” board session,

The Sales Director proposing the removal of the canteen subsidy saying, “No-one will notice the extra couple of quid on a sandwich”. Not when you are earning a good six figure salary no. But then.....most people aren't.

The IT Director that proposed making savings “by restricting access to social networking sites”. And totally pissing off a large proportion of the workforce who is under 35, work excessively long hours and like to check into Facebook during the working day.

These are the sorts of decisions and conversations that are going on all over the corporate world. I believe it is incumbent on any decent HR professional to stop and challenge and make sure that we realise the extent of the decisions we are making and are not jumping head first into short-termism that ultimately rips the heart and soul from our organisation. To stand up for the people who maybe don’t have a voice at the big table and to represent a fair and balanced view of what is important to employees.

Because, like it or not, if we don’t do it, it’s unlikely that anybody else will and ultimately our organisations will suffer….as will our people.

And for the record,

We still heavily subsidise the canteen
We have open access to social networking sites
BUT,
We didn’t pay any exec bonuses

Now that’s what I call real savings……….

Total applause

2009-06-19T08:21:00.005+01:00

I provide work, you provide pay. That’s the basis of the contract of employment.

I stop working, you don’t have to pay.

You stop paying, I don’t have to work.

Simple really….no?

Then consider this story.

As I repeatedly say, I am not a union basher (and in this case it looks like the unions are keeping this at arms length!), but I applaud Total and Jacobs.

My reasons for this are,

1) 51 jobs were lost. That requires statutory consultation. THAT is where you make your points as a collective workforce. If consultation wasn’t properly carried out you get an injunction and make them start again.

2) Wildcat strikes are illegal. You may agree with this, you may not. But that is the law. The workers here have a history of doing this. It is simply unacceptable.

3) Having illegally withdrawn labour the strikers are in breach of their contracts. There are legal and legitimate ways to organise industrial action. This is not one of them.

I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for the workers, although I do for their families who will suffer as a result of this stupid macho dick-swinging behaviour (you can guarantee the vast majority will be blokes).

These workers have tried to run the business through mob rule. They threw their toys out of the pram, and guess what, no-one wanted to give them, them back…….

Le cochon qui vole........

2009-06-18T11:57:00.001+01:00

** ring, ring**
CEO: HRD……?
HRD: Your dameliness……..
CEO: I’m just catching up on these email things…..
HRD: Mmhmm….
CEO: This one on the Union people. Talk.
HRD: Umm. So as I said. We negotiated, we failed to agree. Bit of an impasse. Not entirely sure I see a way through. They are adamant they are not shifting, I have nothing to offer them. So kind of stuck. I think we keep our heads down and hold tight.
CEO: Interesting……
HRD: So I thought I better let you know…..in case
CEO: HRD? I was thinking…..
HRD: Ohhh (falls head first into the pit of doom)
CEO: Have you considered….whisper whisper whisper
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: Hello? Are you there?
HRD: ……………………………………………………..
CEO: HRD????
HRD: …..yes…..CEO?
CEO: Yes?
HRD: That’s……that’s……a REALLY good idea…….
CEO: It is? Really? Oh! Right!...........So…anything else you need any help with?
**clunk**

Keep Calm and Carry on

2009-06-17T18:46:00.004+01:00

Its time to add some humour to the situation.

Americans...humour has a U because guess what? We all laugh at U! Geddit?

(watches as both of his regular readers leave).......

Ok, I'm not going to get into cultural debates on spelling that would be wrong. It would be wrong because.......well lets just say what is the name of the language? English? There you go. Debate over.

Shit, that wasn't the point of this entry. I am not anti American in anyway. In the slightest. I'm going to stop digging now.

I am dealing with a sexual harassment case. Its bad.....its really bad. In fact its criminal. The Police are coming tomorrow. It involves written correspondence which I have been reviewing this evening with a glass of wine. Thats not being flippant, its necessary to get through it.

I've dealt with a lot of shit in this arena over the years. More than anyone should have to.

I have been through three cases of alleged paedophelia.

I have dealt with four alleged rapes

I have dealt with numerous internet porn issues (including the first dismissal in the UK...I believe) and violent porn images

I can't count the number of sexual harassment cases I have dealt with. From innuendo to physical intimidation

And laughter is the coping strategy for dealing with this. Its not a funny subject don't get me wrong. I am not taking any of this lightly or suggesting that it is humourous in any shape or form.

But tonight I am going to laugh and make merry......tomorrow I'll deal with other people's nasty reality and I won't let it touch my beautiful dream.

Know this

2009-06-16T21:04:00.003+01:00

There are times in your career when you are on the crest of a wave. When everything that you do is easy and lucid and structured.

There are other times when the reverse Midas touch prevails and everything you touch turns to s**t, crumples in your hand and the pieces blow into the wind.

There are times when your life is full of NNS.

Its what we do, its what we signed up for. No?

Every conversation this week has been tough. Every decision has been difficult. We are in the attritional hard yards.

The trick is chin up, focus on the horizon. Know that every inch you gain today is taking you closer to your goal.

Know that no-one is going to say thank you, but everyone will be grateful.

Know that you are right and the steps you are taking are solid and assured.

Know that there will be an end.............

It's over......

2009-06-12T08:31:00.002+01:00

I'm sorry to break it to you, but unfortunately I have been having some relationship issues.

It all came to a head yesterday in a pretty difficult conversation. And, I guess it turns out that maybe we are just incompatible after all.

Over time we’ve tried, we really have. Well, I’ve tried - I’m not being bitter it’s the truth!

But there are too many things that get in the way:

I believe in support and doing the right thing. She just niggles at the detail and picks at inaccuracies.

I believe rules are there to be broken. She thinks I am wayward and uncontrollable.

I make decisions and act on them. She thinks she should be consulted on everything.

I want to plan for the future. She just takes a day at a time.

So yesterday we sat down and poured out our hearts. She told me how she felt I told her how I felt. It was emotional but I think it’s for the best. I think we will still stay in touch, but friends? That’s a step too far.

Payroll and I? We were never going to make it.

It's naughty time....

2009-06-09T08:34:00.002+01:00

The naughty boy is back, oh yes he is.

You may remember that we had a naughty situation that I wrote about before, which led to disciplinary action after a long and tortuous conversation with the CEO. Last week it was roosting time at the turkey ranch.

I get a call from the naughty boy he wants to see me “off the record”. Now one - my door is always open, but two - there is no such thing as off the record. Not with naughty boys.

He comes and sits and tells me that his position has become untenable, that he can’t see anyway back and…..that he wants to come to an amicable arrangement. He continues to make his case. At the end I ask him, “are you saying that you are going to resign and claim constructive dismissal?” he answers that he wants to part amicably.

Now the issue here is that we don’t really want the old duffer to go. He has value, he has a contribution to make. He has just been a very naughty boy. And we certainly don’t want to pay him to go….that’s just counter intuitive.

I go back and tell him we want to work with him to rectify his behaviours, to facilitate a good working relationship.

The email I receive over the weekend is something to behold. The demand is we agree to …..remove the warning and pay him £100k to leave, by midday……OR……he is going to make a few calls and look for a new job.

Pause. Read that again. Look for the flaw in the negotiation strategy……Find it?

Oh Buddha……..he copied in CEO…….

URGENT Recruitment breakthrough!

2009-06-04T09:02:00.004+01:00

There have been a number of posts on HR blogs recently about recruitment techniques, recruitment technology and poor quality CVs.

Then I read this.

It appears we are all being duped and have no successful way of attracting, measuring or selecting.

So I am calling on all my fellow HR and business colleagues to stop what you are doing today and introduce sumo suit wrestling as the only reliable and flawless way of selecting….winner stays on!

Alternatives?

Wading through treacle

2009-06-03T13:59:00.000+01:00

Let me be clear upfront. I hate recruitment. I hate people. Therefore I hate recruiting people. Actually that’s not entirely true, I love interviewing great people and bouncing around ideas when there is a spark, intelligence and a passion. I hate the crap that you have to go through to get there in the first place.

At the moment we are recruiting for my team. We have a mid-range HR Manager role, managing a small team and paying £50k (c.$83k) it’s a good company with good benefits, healthcare, pension, discounts, 25 days holiday, profit share. We should be recruiting good people. We put this on a well known HR recruitment website.

Foolishly I asked my PA to print me the CVs so that I can “test the calibre and see who’s out there”. My team have just come to check that I am ok as the laughter has been spilling out of my office. There are a number of observations to be made,

1) HR people are no better at CVs than the rest of the world, in fact they’re worse
2) There’s a lot of dross out there desperately trying to get a job
3) There’s a lot of financial services people out there desperately trying to get a job

Now on this last point, we are not an FS company, we are totally different. But ranting about your successes in HR at Lehman Bros that made a commercial difference……..You are the Weakest Link….Goodbye!

So despite the complete lack of professionalism, here are some of my favourites.

“With a strong track record of leveraging people and the organisation through making use of such tools as lean thinking/six sigma, change management, project management and building and maintaining relationships.” – And the ability to speak without breathing by the sounds of it

“A HR professional with a record of bringing a strong business focus and analytical thinking style to conceptualise and lead business-linked HR initiatives” – I was with you for the first half and then……

And then listed under key skills,

Typing speed 45wpm. Microsoft Office skills – This is an HR Manager role ffs
First HR nominee to receive 2 nominations for a staff star award – But did you get a Blue Peter badge?
Ability to work as part of an interview panel – Uhhhhhhhh yeah……

And finally my favourite,

“I play drums and sing backing vocals on a regular basis with a covers band – weddings, PTA parties and charity fund raising events” Words fail me…..

So does anyone out there need a job?

Stand aside

2009-05-29T13:29:00.001+01:00

Let me paint a scenario…..

An employee comes to see me. They do that sometimes as a last resort when everyone else is busy or on holiday or hiding in the cupboards. They have an issue they want to talk through.

Their boss they feel is over controlling. Wanting to know the ins and outs of their ever action and move, not allowing them to take decisions about their work, criticizing their appearance and making their life a misery. I ask for examples and we talk a little bit about a few things that have happened. The employee says they don’t know what to do they feel so stupid and are thinking of resigning and looking elsewhere.

I ask some questions.

“Do you think you should be able to make these decisions?” They reply that they do.

“Do you think that you are being unreasonable?” They reply that they are not.

“So”, I ask them, “Who do you think is at fault here?”

We talk some more and it becomes clear they are scared. They are scared of the repercussions. They are choosing the path of least resistance. They apologise when they have done nothing wrong. They allow elements of their work to be controlled, when they believe that it is wrong. They do this to take away the pain.

The pain of the picking and shouting and criticism.

Standing up is not an option they tell me, it just makes it worse. Last time they questioned him (and it could only be a him) he made their life a misery for weeks.

We talk about motives. Why he is behaving like this. Is it because he actually believes he should have the control? Is it because things are being done badly? Is it because when he is angry he just needs to kick some one?

We talk about actions and reactions. The triggers that make people behave the way they do. We talk about blame. We talk about neutrality and the ability not to automatically apologise when being shouted at. We talk about help and support. We talk about self esteem.

At the end I have mixed emotions. My natural instinct is to administer my own kind of justice on the situation. I won’t lie. And I’m not talking a nice bit of counselling and a formal process. But sometimes perhaps people need to do these things for themselves knowing that you are there for them as support.

It’s hard sometimes to stand aside, but I truly hope they know that I am there for them.

Ciao Bella

2009-05-27T19:45:00.006+01:00

**ring, ring**
CEO: HRD, Hi. How are you? HRD: CEO......how are you.....?
CEO: Good, good. Did you see my email.
HRD: Email? One sec. Yep got it. About the car?
CEO: Yes, chap we made redundant. Wants to hold onto the car for a couple of months. I'd really like to. If thats ok?
HRD: Sure, ok. Thats cool.
CEO: ................Really? Oh........
HRD: Sure. I'll get someone to make the arrangements.
CEO: Thats.....wonderful. Thank you.
HRD: CEO?
CEO: Yes.
HRD: Can I ask you a question?
CEO: ...........yes
HRD: You sound strange, different, relaxed. Where are you?
CEO: I'm away. On holiday.
HRD: Ohhh....really?........and you phoned to ask my permission? OK well....enjoy your holiday CEO.
CEO: You too HRD, you too.
HRD: But I'm not.....
**clunk**

Be careful what you wish for.....

2009-05-24T17:49:00.006+01:00

I'm afraid I'm going to get serious on this one.....

I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about identity. Who I am, how I define myself, what is important to me? At the same time I have been having a sporadic debate with Laurie Ruettimann about the connections between work and identity.

Laurie's view as far as I understand it is that we work for money and for no other reason. She argues that, "loving your job because it makes some kind of ’spiritual sense for you’ is not an inalienable right. It’s a luxury afforded to a privileged class of people."

I don't agree with this, I believe there is a greater psychological need that humans satisfy through purposeful endeavor and that work satisfies this need. And more so, that this is as much a working class need as it is a middle class need. In fact, its a base human need.

History is littered with examples of workers fighting to protect their place of employment, look at the Swan Hunter shipyard, the Rover factory and of course not forgetting the entire coal mining industry. Now I'm not saying that some of the fight wasn't about protecting jobs and therefore pay, but it was also about identity. Communities grew up and existed around these enterprises, workers were proud to be part of them, generations of families worked together in the same location.

Then there is the research into the impact of unemployment on psychological well being. It should come as no surprise that unemployed people feel higher levels of anxiety, depression, dissatisfaction with their life, poor self-esteem, negativity regarding the future than in matched groups of employed people. This isn't just about money, this is about self worth and sense of purpose.

I wonder whether the difference isn't that in the past it was easier to identify with our employers. We were proud of the boats we built, the cars we made, the coal we dug. We knew what we were doing, who we were doing it for and why. We most probably also knew who our employer was. These days, with globalization our bosses could be anyone, anywhere. We produce things that we don't understand and provide services that people don't really need or want. We're in a world where a banker used to be a proud honorable occupation, but these days they are scum of the earth.

And at the same time we are constantly being told that our lives need to be more enriching, we need to be in the gym, every day, socially networked up to our eyeballs, we need to be green and organic and in touch with our inner self. In turn, HR professionals (most of whom wouldn't recognise original thought if it jumped on them from behind and pulled their eyelids down over their knees) try to create more far fetched "engagement" strategies to bridge this gap between the increasing complex desires and the increasing complex industries.

Employers' attempts to engage employees aren't part of some nefarious plan to mind wash people (well in most cases!) they are merely cack-handed attempts to try and explain the link between employee and employer in increasingly complex businesses and industries. I remain convinced that if you asked 100 people the simple question, "Tell me about yourself?" that over 90% would tell you about their employment within 60 seconds. And that is simply because for so many of us, work is an important part of who and what we are. And thats ok.

We work long hours and even if the lucky ones are cash rich, they are time poor. Work has always formed part of the definition of self and this is nor a bad thing. Turning it into a purely financial transaction makes us a commodity....human capital. At that is the start of a slippery slope that would suit many people with troubling views on the employment relationship.

Laurie, I respect your views, you raise some interesting points and have a lively and informative blog. But on this one you are wrong. Dangerously wrong.

Never judge a book....

2009-05-21T16:58:00.005+01:00

A conversation today prompted me to think about the power of names. Now I know what you're thinking, hardly an indepth critique of the Ulrich model....but I have some sort of flu....so this is about as much as I can get my head around.

When we have children and we think about names, do we really think about how this will impact on them in the future? Clearly there are the extremes, like this. My favourite has to be Jenny Taylor! But there are also the more mundane down to earth prejudices that we have against certain names.

Clearly there will be cultural differences on this one, for example the pretty girls name in French, Manon is the shout you make in soccer when your teammate has someone about to tackle them. Never mind the teasing during the teenage years!

But for example would you really see Wayne as your Finance Director, or Chelsea as your MD? The names we have automatically prejudice our view one way or another in relation to a person. It could be they have the name as the girl at school that pulled our hair or the boy that tried to kiss us behind the bike shed. It could be that we perceive the name to be of a certain class or education.

And that is before we get into all the incorrect spelling of names. So lets knock that one right out of the ring first time.......it doesn't make you unusual, it makes your parents look illiterate.....

So what names do you dislike, what makes your teeth grate, who goes straight into the big cylindrical filing cabinet under the desk? Would you give a shot to a Sharon a job to a Jeremey, a career to a Colin?

Or is it just me and the Night Nurse......

Power Pointless

2009-05-16T11:32:00.006+01:00

On the slog in on Friday morning I sat next to a lady (who I am sure is perfectly charming). She was tapping away on her laptop and in such circumstances I believe its beholden on the train neighbour (in this case yours truly) to inspect the content. Purely for academic purposes you understand.

Anyway the lady was working on a Power Point presentation on some benign subject and was adding little animations and clip art characters. And I started to think just how patronising Power Point presentation are. I mean just because it has a lightbulb picture on it I'm not going to think its a good idea. Because its in a thought bubble over some ridiculous cartoon character head I'm not going to remember it. And as for those little beanie men......it's all just stuff and nonsense.

People who create these things.....STOP! You are auto-fellating. Sure it makes you feel good and you get a nice warm glow on completion. But its unproductive, pleases no-one else and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Worst of all its unpleasant to behold.

When I came home that evening, my seven year old daughter was knocking up a PP presentation on fire for her homework. And that friends is about the level of this noxious little program.

Discipline me baby!

2009-05-13T19:53:00.006+01:00

Its been an emotional week for a number of reasons - mostly good. One of the things thats needed doing in amongst all of this is dealing with the situation I described here. It was all going swimmingly. And then this.....

CEO: HRD?

HRD: CEO....I live to serve.....

CEO: Funny. Where are we with that thing, that situation?

HRD: Swine flu?

CEO: No the naughty people

HRD: Interesting you should mention that. I'm just writing the outcome of the disciplinary now, drafting the letter.

CEO: Can I see it before it goes? You know, I have known all the parties involved for a very long time.

HRD........uhhhh......yep.......s'pose so

CEO: Excellent. Next five minutes? Bye.

HRD: Crap.....

Ten minutes later after aforementioned letter has been sent.

CEO: HRD? Ummm I mean....this.....ummm....this letter

HRD: Which letter?

CEO: Which letter! The one you just sent me!

HRD: Ohhh.....that one....

CEO: Yessss that one. Well, I mean.....its a bit formal...

HRD:.....it is a disciplinary warning....

CEO:I know....its just....ummm....well he really won't like it...

HRD: .....it is a disciplinary warning....

CEO: I mean, can't we tone it down.....make it more ambiguous?

HRD: .......an ambiguous disciplinary warning?

CEO: Well if we send this he will be seriously pissed off!

HRD:....its a.........

CEO: ....disciplinary warning....I know....you keep on saying....I just thought maybe I could reword it, soften it down, make it look like he's not at fault.....

HRD: Thats a really good idea, I think blame should be kept out of disciplinary situations...

CEO: Look I know you won't like it but, can't we just keep this informal, light touch, between us.....

HRD: Ummm....I think we went past that point when we sat down in the hearing.....

CEO: I mean tell me if you think I'm mad?

HRD: You're mad

CEO: Really?

HRD: Yep

CEO: Well OK, how about this. I mean, if he gets this from his manager all fucking hell is going to break loose. So I thought....how about it comes from........

HRD: Nope!

CEO: How about.......it comes from...

HRD: No!

CEO:....you?

HRD: Its not happening.

CEO: Really?

HRD: Really.

CEO: I thought you'd say that. Ok well, I'll take the letter home, rewrite it and send it back to you tomorrow. OK? Ciao

***Clunk***

Training chivalry

2009-05-10T08:39:00.009+01:00

I was sitting on the old packed out commuter train this week, smug with the fact that a) I had a seat b) I was on an earlier train and c) I had a copy of the new Jim Collins book (yeah I know it doesn't take much). When I saw a lady get on in her 50s and looking around seeing there were no seats. She clearly was not a commuter and had not bought into the madness that is our daily lives.

Now my instinct in this situation is to give my seat up (thank you mum and dad). In the same way that I hold doors open, let women onto the tube first, offer my coat if its cold etc. And in this case I followed my instinct. The lady was very grateful and as some weird anti-Pavlovian reward, I got to stand for 45 minutes.

More interestingly , what followed was a Mexican wave of chivalry. Every time a lady stepped into the carriage men were fighting to offer her their seat (apart from the three young male bible students...but that's a whole other story!). The reactions of the women were mixed. Some accepted, some looked decidedly put out.

So I ask, in a world where we are suppose to strive for equality, does this make me chivalrous, or does it make me anti-feminist? And should I really care or just keep on doing what I am doing?

From the Oxford Dictionary

chivalry • noun courteous behaviour, especially that of a man towards women.

feminism • noun the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of sexual equality.

Is it all balls?

2009-05-07T09:41:00.002+01:00

A few years ago one of my team members came to me at their wits end. Whilst hugely talented, they were struggling to win over their client group to the need to apply progressive HR management tools with their teams.

Now lets be clear these guys were uber difficult, think the bastard offspring of engineering, logistics and procurement and you’re not even getting close….engagement scores were rock bottom, turnover was high and it was easier to recruit vegan Ronald McDonalds than it was to get people into that area.

Now at that time a guy called Roy Keane was managing a soccer team called Sunderland. He had taken them from the bottom of the 24 team league to the top, within a year, and with very little change in personnel or investment.

And if there is one thing that turned these guys on it was football……

So together we hit upon a plan and built an intervention based on the teachings of Roy Keane…..

1) motivation,
2) teamwork,
3) shared goals and vision,
4) understanding how our role contributes to the vision,
5) recognition,
6) feedback on performance

It worked a dream, they bought in and before we knew it, very talented HR professional was leading them forward. Engagement scores went up and people started to consider working there as a career move that didn’t spell ultimate death. Now it wasn’t all down to the work of Mr. Keane but it started to engage minds.

Then yesterday I saw this and it reminded me of the Roy Keane tale. But at the same time it started me thinking is this another HR lesson to be learnt from soccer.

“…now any player late for a meeting, training or travel will have 10 per cent of their weekly salary deducted. That increases to 20 per cent for a second offence and 40 per cent for a third”

Now that’s my kind of management and surely worth a pitch to the Board!

Hell really is other people

2009-05-04T18:34:00.001+01:00

I've been struggling over this situation and this post for the past ten days.

A department manager (in his late 50s...necessary info for later) comes to me, he has been touting around a proposal for a new innovation to the board and he wants to talk through how he sees it working. Essentially he wants the CEO and I to agree to take his team (of two including him) out of their current business unit and place them in a different one, so they can work on this project. Its not a bad idea, but it doesn't warrant the +£250k overhead and doesn't account for the need we will need to backfill into the current business.

We meet, we talk, we say no. He struggles with this. He can't understand why we don't do it, he says that if we can't deliver this he thinks his team report (of one) will leave. In fact, he says she has an offer from our major competitor. Only this solution would retain her, we need to do it. We say that whilst we want her to stay, we can't change the organisational structure for her and could they not work on the project along with their day jobs? Or alternatively we have this vacancy which she would be great for...in another company. He rebuffs us.

She resigns. He again comes back and says that the only way we can save her is by giving the green light for the project. Again we say no. He comes back and says that she will take one of our major clients with her.....we need to start this project for him. We ask what he is doing to mitigate the risk with the client? He comes back and says that she will take two clients. We ask what he is doing to mitigate the risk with the two clients and suggest what he needs to do. He returns and says that she thinks our actions to mitigate the risks are aggressive. He says that he cannot believe that we are doing this....letting her go.

His team member is in her early thirties. He the manager is having an affair with her. Now he has lost his lover (during work at least), his honour and our respect. He may not be far from losing his job.

Work is work. Life is life. Mixing the two is both wrong and dangerous.

You give me fever

2009-05-01T20:52:00.005+01:00

CEO: HRD? C'est moi

HRD: Wassup.....

CEO: This f***ing pig sickness thing....maladie des cochons

HRD: Mmhmmm

CEO: I mean.....do we have a strategy? We need to give the board some reassurance.

HRD: Do we......

CEO: We do.....

HRD: OK, well....I have it on my list of things to do....along with world peace

CEO: I mean, what do we do if it spreads?

HRD: I thought we'd try not to catch it....

CEO: You're not f***ing funny. Anyway I need you to come up with a f***ing plan and PDQ.

HRD: CEO I'm not sure you realised when you hired me, but actually I have quite a lot of experience in the niche area of Swine Fever

CEO: Really?....Fantastic! Thats excellent...................you're joking aren't you?

HRD: Mmhmm

CEO: Just get it f***ing done

Are we all equal?

2009-04-28T20:46:00.002+01:00

**ring-ring, ring-ring**

CEO: HRD t'is I. You know I've been doing these media interviews all morning?

HRD: Mmhmm

CEO: They've been asking me about this equal pay bill thingy

HRD: .........uhhuh...

CEO: Tell me we don't have any equal pay issues

HRD: We don't have any equal pay issues

CEO: OK....but do we?

HRD: Not that we can't reasonably justify.....

CEO: Thank f**k for that......I haven't lied

HRD:.....apart of course from the board.......

**clunk**

S**t hot career advice....

2009-04-23T21:03:00.006+01:00

Ok so in the budget in the UK, the Government has announced another £1.7bn investment in JobCentreplus.

For those of you outside the UK this is like a nationalised recruitment agency that is as effective as a chocolate fireguard...but if you don't go there, you don't get any state support....so actually more like state sponsored torture and apparently recently ruled out in Guantanamo as being inhumane.

For those of you in the UK, its the Job Centre.....but plus!

And as its nearly Friday, it started me thinking, given carte blanche what career advice would you give? Here are my top five:

1) Remain moderately incompetent. Not too competent or you'll get promoted and ultimately fail. Not too incompetent or you'll end up on a secondment to corporate procurement...the department where noone can here you scream.

2) Novelty ties are a really good look if you work in accounts. If you work anywhere else and want to have any kind of sex life.....ever....they are not. No means No.

3) If your colleague gets a promotion ahead of you. Its ok, its done on merit...you shouldn't worry. But to reward and congratulate them, don't forget to put chewing gum in their stapler, pour coke (cola) on their keyboard and spread vicious rumours about a penchant for dwarves, fists and marigolds.....(in combination)

4) When your boss says, "do you have any feedback for me?" they are being polite. You are being literal. Go for it. They want it really. Remember feedback is a gift.

5) Trainers are not there to make you better at your job. Its about giving a job to a would-be television presenter who either doesn't have the balls or personality to make it. Its like seeing a cute stray dog.....Pity them sure, but keep your distance and remember they are ultimately full of c**p.

A little time

2009-04-22T13:49:00.003+01:00

There is a tube strike on my line. I won’t go into it…..ok just this once. This guy got sacked for opening the doors on the wrong side of the train. His union brothers and sisters don’t think this is fair as the company should have fitted some contraption to stop him from doing this. Therefore they are striking.

And two things strike me (geddit?),

1) Opening the doors on the correct side seem kind of fundamental to the job and imperative for safety (I don’t want to think I’m landing on sweet platform and instead come tete a tete with a piece of curved wall)
2) There’s an element of duty and responsibility missing in the argument…while we are at it lets automate the entire function of the tube….then we will have no need for….. oh c**p!

Anyway the non-noxious by-product of this is that I took a walk along the Thames on the way to work. Thirty beautiful minutes in the sun with my thoughts. An event less frequent than a leader in the Daily Mail on the valuable contribution of immigration to the British economy.

There is so much going on that sometimes it’s a struggle to process it all and little breaks prove all powerful in helping to put everything in order and take a fresh perspective. To deal with the big, the small, the rational and the emotional.

Sometimes the hardest things to get your head around become easier with time. What I don’t know is whether this is because we need the time to figure it out, or over time we just capitulate and find an easy route. Is the human brain designed to find a solution or the right solution? And in the end does it really matter?

Embrace the suck

2009-04-20T09:04:00.007+01:00

Two things bring me to this post. First is my response to a question raised on the blog of HR Good_Witch. Second is a tribute to the person that taught me this phrase and whom I suspect has had to embrace more than her fair share. I write it here to impart a little of the wisdom that she shared with me and as a note of thanks.

I was having a day. You know the sort, where every shade of s**t has conspired to gang up and unleash its evil full in my face (try to work with the imagery...). The sort where I had the anti-Midas touch, where everything just seemed more difficult than it needed to, every phonecall filled me with dread. I was at a loss, I had serious inertia and this in turn was spreading through my team. I turned to this friend for something to cheer me up, to cling on to and she told me the following,

"The bad news is there's nothing you can do about those kinds of days. Nothing at all. Oh sure, I could wax lyrical about how you should always look on the bright side of life (hey, there's a song in that), to think positive, to focus on something that makes you happy, like unicorns or frolicking kittens. But we both know that's all c**p. For me, I have a method

Embrace The Suck. Today is going to suck. Keep that in mind, try to not take anyone's head off, and just bear up under The Suckness."

This may sound weird but quite frankly this is the most helpful, timely piece of advice that I have ever received. (Cue the simultaneous hari kari of a multitude of professors, consultants, experts...and my parents). It wasn't an aggressive "put up and shut up" or a "take the pain". It was instead direction to flow with the acceptance that things can be grim, unfair and unjust...and that its ok.

At that point in time it was exactly what I needed to do. To be at peace with myself, to stop dwelling and worrying, to stand up and be a leader and to lead my team and the business through the difficult days that we were having.

So as you progress through your week, month, life and things get trying, I offer to you these words of wisdom....."embrace the suck". At least it will get you smiling....

Ass.....me?

2009-04-18T13:49:00.003+01:00

So that's a poor workaround of the Brentesque "assume makes an ass out of u and me".....and far be it for me to indulge in cliches, but sometimes situations come along that make you realise that, in the words of the great Lloyd Cole, "the reason its a cliche is because its true".

I had to tell a couple of my team they were being made redundant this week. In typical fashion HR always comes last, when all the dirty work has been done! Its never nice, but I think as an HR professional its also good to have to put yourself through the things that you support managers to do. Its easy to snigger amongst yourselves about Bob the line manager getting worked up about telling his team member they are being made redundant, it another thing when you are Bob.

So I was sitting there in the morning getting my head around what I was going to say and the potential questions I might be asked when one of the team members I was going to speak to came in to the office. He was obviously on edge and upset and my initial reaction was that he had found out what I was going to say to him. Anyway I sat him down and asked him what was wrong and he tells me that his wife has been diagnosed with cancer and he is beside himself with concern and worry. We talk about it, I listen, I support, we arrange some additional health cover and he leaves to go to a meeting.

I sit back and reflect. What am I gong to do? If I can't speak to him then I can't speak to any of the others. If I do speak to him, what is the impact going to be on his health and well being?The HR man in me is telling me that there will always be something going on in someones life, that no time is good and to stick to the plan. The HU man in me is telling me that nothing is more important than life itself, that this guy has taken enough and the business can go swivel. At this point normally there would be an HR rep advising the manager, but that person is me.

After much soul searching I sat the guy down and told him that I really didn't want to tell him this today, but I hoped he'd understand. That the business was changing and we needed to change with it and that time doesn't account for personal circumstances. You know what? He took it like a champion. Said that there were more important things in life than work. That he respected my honesty and openness and that I had his complete loyalty until he left.

And that brings me back to assumptions. I'm not saying that what I did was right. Maybe the other route would have brought untold benefit. But the fear was in my head and the worst case scenario I had painted was limiting my ability to act. When I chose to act, the nightmare subsided. Is this luck? Or is it a lesson, that as long as we deal with any situation honestly, openly and with dignity, the worst will never happen.

I honestly don't know.

Coachy Coachy Coo Coo

2009-04-16T21:05:00.002+01:00

Ok, bad title...I admit it but after the day I've had you need something to make you laugh. Never before have I received a genuine writ for defamation of character....its a long story.

Anyway, I have had two conversations over the last couple of days about coaching interventions, one sublime and one ridiculous. I was speaking to our main coaching provider this morning and it fills me with deep joy (in a wholesome and appropriate way). There are more people claiming to be coaches these days than there are claiming to be straight. In fact I am sure there is a correlation there, but lets leave that for another time. But these guys they know their limitations, they turn work down and most importantly they have a sense of humour. I am not a coach, lets be clear, coaching and I are like pan fried bream and liquorice.....it ain't ever going to happen.

The other conversation was with a line manager, who came to see my L&D Manager declaring that they wanted to talk about development for a member of middle management. Rightly L&D guru asked what they were trying to develop....."well we can't quite work it out". Unperturbed she ventured on asking what conversations they had had with aforementioned individual....."well we haven't really spoken about it". L&D hero carries on, so asking what it was they felt we could provide or how we could help....."We were thinking they need a coach. They could then have a conversation with them about what the issues are and work out what they need to do and then they could let us know."

Yeah, that will be your job then.....remember kiddies a coach is for life a coach is not for Christmas......

Get your retaliation in first....

2009-04-15T13:44:00.007+01:00

Today I came across the strangest thing, an apologist for Thatcher AND one prepared to go under their real name.

Now I'll be the first to agree Thatcher has a whole world of stuff to apologise for, but I don't believe this was his aim.

Apparently her much heralded speach on society was actually a call to arms to take responsibility for one another and I was quite remiss.

And criticised me for dubbing her a tyrant (Lady Thatcher that is).

Discourse is important....right?

2009-04-14T18:55:00.004+01:00

So I try not to talk to much about my real place of work. But this one is a blinder, please be welcomed to the sartrian world of TheHRD. This is not for sympathy, but for laughs.....

CEO: HRD?.....its me

Me: Hi

CEO: I mean....what the f*** is going on?

Me: Can I have a clue? A starter for ten?

CEO: This f***ing thing you sent me. I mean....its just f***ing wrong. I mean....theres only a few days to go....and who is in control of this....I'm completely on edge....for f***s sake

Me: Ok......which bit is wrong?

CEO: Well for a start blankety blanks is on the list and they shouldn't be on it. They've been taken off...I mean, do we know who we are f***ing making redundant or not?

Me: Ah, when I had the conversation this week they were on the list. I spoke to the Manager this morning and they didn't say anything.

CEO: Well they are not on the f***ing list anymore. Why the f*** don't you know? Who's not talking to you? Thats the f***ing problem! I mean if that f***ing bit is wrong, what else is f***ing wrong? If this is f***ed up I will be completely f***ed off. I'm warning you in advance.

Me: Sure, well I was pretty sure that there were no changes, but obviously there are. Do you know who agreed the change? Who authorised it?

CEO: Well I did of course!!

Me: Ya....OK....and ....ummmm......so...ummm do you know who could possibly have told me about it?

CEO: (pauses for at least a minute)...............................................................................................OK, well just make sure you are f***ing well on top of it .....OK? (slams phone down)

NUTs

2009-04-13T18:12:00.003+01:00

After a long bank holiday weekend I should be relaxed, chilled, at peace with the world. Then I see this from the National Union of Teachers Annual Conference.

OK lets put this in context, teachers do a great job, they are unsupported by many parents, left to be the sole guardians of right and wrong for many children and often put in excess hours to try and provide a quality education for children who would otherwise suffer. But this government has done more for education than any in recent memory and the levels of investment have significantly improved anyone who disagrees clearly wasn't in schools during the Thatcher years.....

The starting salary for a teacher is £20,627 whilst the average salary for a graduate is £24,048. But this doesn't tell the complete story, teachers of course get a fantastic final salary pension and around 15 weeks holiday, not to mention excellent sickness, maternity and paternity benefits and above average job security. The latter figure predominantly reflects larger corporate employers as well and so isn't entirely reflective.

But a 10% increase? Are they serious? Do they not look out the window at the wider economy and see what is going on out there, the people losing their jobs, many of whom are paid less than £20,627 who have little or no pension provision, statutory minimum holidays and work 40 plus hours a week. This sort of story just makes teachers and the Unions look like greedy, narrow minded idiots with little or no sense of the wider economic environment. It makes my blood boil.

Also interesting to see them quoting the CPI (Consumer Prices Index) as the reason for needing this increase - it currently stands at 3.2%. I always thought the Unions' preferred measure was the RPI (Retail Prices Index) I'm sure that I have been told this time and time again over the years and in many negotiations. What is RPI at the moment? Oh yes.....0%

To me, or not to me......

2009-04-11T09:40:00.004+01:00

Having read the excellent post by HR Good_Witch about dealing with the toilet habits of an employee I started thinking about all those funny little tasks that get pushed the way of the HR team. Regardless of where I have worked from the biggest companies downwards, there are those little gems that always seem to find there way to me and my team. Things that can only be described as "not nice stuff" or NNS.

How many times have I been approached by a Manager for a "private chat about Bob", to be told that poor Bob has a body odor problem? My first question, "Have you told him?". Now the response to this is normally something along the lines of, "I thought it would be better coming from HR". Right, lets stop and think about that......................................................So the message could come from the Line Manager who has worked day in and day out with this person, reviews their performance, buys them a beer at Christmas (and sometimes more often if they are generous) OR it could come from HR person who doesn't really know them, bumped into them once at the Christmas party (and can't remember the smell being that strong....actually can't remember much....but we all need to let our hair down at times). I'm thinking the former kind of seems more appropriate....don't you?

So I sit the Manager down look deep into their eyes and using a combination of NLP, reverse psychology and Jedi mind tricks ("these aren't the droids you are looking for"), prompt them to tell Bob, be honest, understanding, explain that you are aware of their body odor and they might want to think about doing something to sort it our, stronger deodorant, a more frequent change of clothes. That Bob will actually probably be really grateful because they would rather know and be able to do something about. And you know what, 100% strike record the Manager comes back and says "you were right".

NNS comes in many shapes and sizes. Recruitment always brings out some of the classics. My team is young and in their twenties with many of them having only worked for the one company, unlike the wily HRD (!). A little while ago Dan, a senior manager, was in the department and I overheard, "so if you would just go back to these candidates and tell them its a no, I'll give Sue the great news she's got the job". My NNS radar went into overdrive. "Hey Dan" I say coming out of my office, "Great to hear you've finished the recruitment. I was thinking, why don't I have a chat with Sue and tell her about the promotion, the offer and the development opportunities that we the HR team will be putting in place for her. That would give you more time to talk to the people that haven't been successful and explain your decision?" (now this is one of the peculiarities of the english language - I have to end that sentence with a question mark - but trust me it wasn't asked as a question)

Cue much spluttering and uttering of random words. Dan it should be said is also the manager that once fed back that a candidate was "very pretty, but very stupid". Although to give him his dues he was using this as a reason to reject her and I know many managers that would have seen that as a core competence. Anyway, he came into my office and we both agreed after a while that it was better if he spoke to the unsuccessful candidates and explained his decision and as a trade off I would let him speak to the successful candidate Sue. Genius at work.....

And there are numerous examples of NNS that come to us on a daily basis, from bogeys on the wall of the toilets, to changes in reporting lines, to redundancies (here its often "I don't want you involved in the planning, but you can tell the people they are going" - yeah right!). In most cases it just takes a few mind tricks and some assertiveness and before you know it Manager is gaily skipping off to do their duty. But on the other hand there are some categories of NNS, like the example given by HR Good_Witch, I wouldn't let a Line Manager near - I mean can you imagine someone with so little skill, dealing with a subject like that........?

Shhhhhh.....

2009-04-09T18:39:00.003+01:00

I've been think a lot lately about collective leadership (....I don't get out that much....) and how you create senior teams to take on collective leadership for their businesses.

And this in turn started me thinking about the traits that I believe are important in leadership (lets forget all the gurus for now because we know they all pretty much say the same thing and once you've read one you've read them all), the elements that really differentiate. One keeps on coming back into my mind. Listening.

To really listen to people is exhausting and takes a huge amount of practice. I know that often I think I know what someone is saying long before they have reached the end. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't but I will never be sure as I wasn't listening, I was thinking. How many times have you been speaking on the phone and typing an email at the same time? Or talking with a colleague whilst thinking about the paper that you need to do, the time left before you need to go for the train or simply what to have for dinner?

It struck me that when we really listen, really engage we can pick up messages that were perhaps not intended, but are maybe truer than the words being used. There is a great book called The Gone-Away World by Nick Harkaway in which one of the main characters is talking about his training in some far fetched martial art. But the point being he talks about the power of smell in assessing a situation. Now I'm not suggesting we sniff people.....or indeed lick them as Henry Berry seems to endorse! But there is an art to really being present and in tune with the person that we are talking with or listening to.

So how can we instill this in a leadership team where so much value is placed on output and having a view? I'm not entirely sure at the moment (I do have some life despite my previous comment) but if I find out I'll be sure to share and if you know then please enlighten.

RBS

2009-04-07T20:50:00.003+01:00

Can you imagine making 9,000 people redundant? Taking a small town and relieving each and everyone of them from employment? Can you imagine the impact on morale, well being, mental health? The scar that will never disappear?

Can you imagine being one of the leaders that made the decisions that impacted on those 9,000 people and their families? Can you imagine the lack of control, the lack of governance that led to this? The people that allowed the bonuses and the pensions to be paid to the leaders.......

Can you remember all the column inches given by Personnel Today and People Management to the wonderful HR practices at RBS, the awards, the centre spreads?

What's in a name?

2009-04-06T20:24:00.003+01:00

So imagine the day that Starburst were launched. When you went into the shop what did you get? An Opal Fruit.

And when that Snickers bar found its way into your mouth. What did it taste of? Anything like a Marathon?

When the Post Office became Consignia did your letters get there faster? Did your insurance get better when Norwich Union became Aviva?

If you were ever in a band in your youth can you remember spending more time on choosing the band name than learning the instruments?

When your Personnel Officer became an HR Advisor and your HR Advisor became a Business Partner........did you feel the quake?

Think about it........

Generation Y

2009-04-04T21:05:00.004+01:00

So there we were in 2008 and one of my team was telling me about Generation Y and how we needed to tailor our employee proposition to account for this demographic. I think at the time my response was something along the lines of, "they can go f**k themselves, we'll be in recession, there will be no jobs, those that there are will be taken my Eastern Europeans who have a significantly better work ethic and they won't be winging about what we can do for them!"

OK I accept it was an emotional outburst but there is a truth there. We fed this generation on over indulgence, said the world was their lobster and allowed them to think that they were beyond reproach. And then the pointless HR community tried to turn it into a phenomenon. It was something to feed the mouths of the consultants.

And those of us who remember "loads-a-money" will understand that this is the same thing. The plasterer stereotype of the 80's/90's are the graduates of the noughties gen y. Its boom and bust and natural. But where are the articles and research on GY now? Funnily enough, nowhere to be seen. That particular gravy train has come to an end.

Recruitment consultants

2009-04-04T14:26:00.005+01:00

OK, so I know that this is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I have to spend a few minutes talking about one of my favourite subjects, the ineptitude of Recruitment Consultants.

Now I know there are some good ones out there, predominantly working undercover in Outer Mongolia, but for the main part these guys have the same value to society as wasps or methane. Not content with actually charging for doing fairly much next to nothing and trying to apply contractual terms that even Fred Goodwin would feel embarrassed about, they actually do it very very badly.

A couple of my favourite incidents from the past,

- The consultant who sent me a CV of someone who still worked for my company

- The consultant who sent me a CV of someone that I had only months earlier sacked ("but they are really interested in coming back to work there")

- The consultant who spoke to a candidate saying they were recruiting on my behalf, then spoke to me and said that a candidate had just approached them - without realising that we knew eachother

This is on top of the misrepresentation, the poor briefing, the manipulation of salary details and general lack of understanding of business.

Their Mums and Dads must be so proud.............

Consultation closed

2009-04-04T13:48:00.001+01:00

We finished consultation this week, phew.

Welcome to appeal central.......

Saying No positively.....

2009-04-02T20:37:00.002+01:00

So, one of the reasons I came into HR was to say "no"...right? No! wrong! So why is it that I seem to spend half my time telling managers that they can't do things?

What has happened to personal responsibility and collective leadership? I forgot.....we're in a recession and so there are hard calls to be made, unpopular decisions. Isn't it easier to project the negative onto someone else and who better that the HR team, because we never really trusted them did we....too many women.

"I really wanted to, but HR said I couldn't promote you just because you always say yes to me" or how about "HR have told me that you can't have the 25% pay rise that I promised you.....something about recession".

Here are my ten favourite ways of saying No.

1) No

2)......No

3) NO!

4) Interesting...but no

5) Whilst on one hand you make a good point, on the other hand....no

6) I'm tempted to say yes.....but no

7) Let me reflect on that for a while.....no

8) What do you think I am going to say? Wrong....no

9) Normally I would say no and I'm pleased to tell you that everything is normal

10) Rearrange these letters to get your answer....O N

Restructuring, downsizing, sacking...

2009-04-01T20:22:00.001+01:00

The headlines are full of the number of job losses going on both in the City but also across the country, in every industry. Our thoughts rightly should go out to those losing employment with the inevitable impact on their families, friends, communities.

But also, stop and spare a thought for the poor HR person involved. Often perceived by the employee to be the hatchet man (how many times have I heard of managers saying "HR have told me....."), loathed my the line manager for making them deliver a message they would rather have nothing to do with (funny how they always want to own the promotions and the salary increased) and battered and bludgeoned by the Unions as being the voice of Management.

My team have been doing this for the last month, dealing with emotional, angry and confused employees. Managing emotional, angry and confused Managers. And in more than one case then going home to a partner who is also being made redundant in their own workplace.

Sure its the job we do and we need to "take the crunchy with the smooth sometimes" But spare a quiet thought......

Union of convenience

2009-03-31T20:51:00.001+01:00

First let me say, I am not a union basher. I believe the organisation of labour is important both morally, philosophically and practically....sometimes you need a helping hand to manage those precious little babies!

The one thing that has struck me over the last few years is how the Unions have become less driven by the needs of their members and more driven by internal targets and political goals. On two occasions over the last few weeks I have been told by senior officials "its a policy that we need to target xxxx".

Maybe its me, but if I was a member I'd be asking some questions about whose interests are being served, about accountability and about transparency.

Blimey, are the unions the new banks????

From small beginnings

2009-03-31T08:33:00.000+01:00

I have spent the last 15 years of my life dealing with people. The good ones, the bad ones, the shiny happy ones and the pathologically bad ones. Welcome to the world of an HR professional.